A couple of years ago, Celtics fans the world over were a bit down on the team. Losses were piling up, there didn't seem to be much hope for the future and the franchise seemed to be at best spiralling into a pattern of mediocrity. However, I was able to collectively raise everyone's spirits by writing a piece called "It's all Good".
Sadly, said article - whilst it achieved its stated goal of talking a few people off the ledge, has faded away into the ether, like Britney's hotness or the notion that Dan Dickau could be a useful NBA player. However, I can only imagine that it predicted a world where hot women dance around while the C's win convincingly every night, Tommy Heinsohn can say how good a player is and actually mean it and even Bob Cousy likes what he sees on the floor…which is where we find ourselves now.
National media attention. Power ranking relevance, without having to scroll down the page. Sportscenter highlights that don't feature that night's opponent. A place atop the standings. Unfortunately, it has fallen on me to stem the tide. You have to remember the old axiom - things are never as bad as they seem, nor are they as good as they seem. So, unfortunately, I have to break the news that although this winning business seems nice and all, not everything is right within the Celtics organization.
(I will now steal from Gant and number the following paragraphs. Hey, he started it, when he copied me by having a 4-letter name, the second half of which is "nt").
1. Sure, the Celtics may have won the other night, but they didn't even *try* to feed the ball in to Al Jefferson in the post.
2. We haven't a snowflake's chance in hell of winning the dunk contest this year. Thanks, Danny.
3. The last month of last season gave us cause for hope as Rajon Rondo averaged 13 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists and 3 steals per game in games that the Celtics lost. However, this year he has averaged no points, rebounds, assists or steals in Celtics losses. This is most disconcerting.
4. In the game the other night, Brian Scalabrine hit a couple of threes and grabbed some rebounds for Boston. Does he not realise that Doc Rivers needs him to do intangible things? By selfishly recording tangible statistics, Brian can only be hurting his team.
5. Unfortunately, having seen how well the Celtics fans have responded to having a "Big Baby" on their team, Vince Carter now wants to sign for the Celtics.
6. By putting a compelling product on the floor, Danny Ainge has taken our collective attention away from the Celtics Dancers. We might miss something important whilst our concentration is distracted by the "action" on the floor. Don't think this is an issue? Just remember what happened to Maude Flanders (aka Mrs Greg Kite).
7. I am not a fan of the alternative uniforms the guys were wearing in the game the other night. Especially how it says "Timberwolves" across the front of the jersey.
8. Brandon Wallace and Jackie Manuel haven't missed a shot or turned the ball over yet this season. And yet, Doc Rivers still doesn't give them any minutes. When is he going to get the rotation sorted out?
9. Every time we've been on a run like this in recent years, it's been ended by a soul-crushing blow-out loss to the Knicks. Please, tell me, why oh why do we have to head down the same path one more time?
10. Now that Boston has three potential hall of famers on its roster*, Phil "the Zzzen Master" Jackson has suddenly expressed an interest in coaching here. (* Garnett, Allen, Davis, natch).
11. (Because this one goes to eleven)…It was bad enough having to pay Wally Szczerbiak $11m to stand around and watch Paul Pierce go one-on-one at the end of quarters, but why should I be happy about paying Kevin Garnett $24m to do the same thing?
12. (Ummm…because this one *actually* goes to twelve)…This article was way harder to write than back when we sucked. Poor me. I'm not looking forward to when we become a mediocre team in future and I have to write the world's dullest ever article called "It's all Average".
Twelve reasons why…now you can all cool your jets. Oh, and if I've jinxed us, praise me for being right, don't kill me!