24 (second clock)

Season Four

"I'm federal Aingent Danny Bauer and this is the longest season of my career…"

Scene: Timeout. The Celtics are huddling…

Doc: Right guys, the target is centrally located above the baseline at an altitude of approximately ten feet. Rajon, I want you on point for this mission…

Rajon: Check.

Doc: Gerald, I want you to establish a perimeter.

Gerald: Uhh, if you mean lingering uncomfortably around the three point line ready to shoot if everyone collapses on Paul like I normally do, then…check.

Doc: Er, sure, why not? OK, do we have satellite coverage?

Paul: Yeah, we have to. It's not like we're ever on National TV.

Doc: Right...lemme see. It looks like there will be two hostiles on the perimeter and three more protecting the target.

Paul: Yeah, that's right, they're in a 2-3 zone.

Doc: *stares blankly*

Paul: Coach?

Doc: Uh, it looks like we might be able to hit them from the back entrance. I want you to take the shot…Big Al-meida.

Big Al-meida: *emerges from background and enters huddle* - Check.

Gerald: Big Al-meida? Wait a minute…didn't you…?

Big Al-meida: Shhh…some people haven't finished watching Season three yet. No spoilers!

Doc: The guy you need to watch for is this guy…Nocioni.

Big Al-meida: Check.

Doc: Nah, I think he's Argentinean.

The buzzer: BUZZZZ!

Doc: Let's get this job done. *exchanges meaningful glances with all his players*

Scene: Aingent Bauer's Office…

Aingent Bauer (on the telephone): This better be important, I'm busy. *takes another swig from bottle of whiskey, as he watches the game*

Hot potential love-interest eye candy sexretary (on the other line, in a high-tech split screen): I have an Isiah Thomas on the line for you.

Aingent Bauer: *slams down whiskey bottle* - How many times do I have to tell you…we do not negotiate with terrible GMs.

Sexretary: But aren't you the same guy who has made trades with Kevin McHale, Mitch Kupchak and Jim Paxson over the last few years?

Aingent Bauer: Listen to me…one man's terrible GM is another man's franchise saviour, you got that?

Sexretary: Are you trying to craftily inject some politics onto celticsblog?

Aingent Bauer: Not deliberately, I can assure you.

Sexretary: Phew.

Scene: On the court, with Paul Pierce about to make an inbounds pass…

Paul: *passes the ball to Rajon* - Let's go. We got 24 seconds.

Rajon: *surveys scene* - OK, we got two guys out on the perimeter and two in lowdown positions, blocking the backdoor and covering the target.

…20…19…

Paul (to Kendrick): Screen me…I'm going in. *cuts across lane and out to perimeter*

…17…16…

Rajon: Gerald, have you established a perimeter?

Gerald: *looks around him and then shrugs*

Rajon: Never mind.

…14…13…

Rajon: *swings the ball to Paul on the wing* - OK, Paul, you got it.

Paul: I have the target sighted.

…11…10…

Big Al-meida: *cuts into the lane* - Paul, patch me in!

Paul: Patch? Huh?

…8…7…

Big Al-meida: *waves arms wildly* - Patch me in!

Paul: What are you talking about?

Big Al-meida: Just pass me the ball!

Paul: Oh.

…4…3…

Paul: *tries to pass ball in, but it gets kicked*

Referee: *blows whistle* - Kicked ball! Reset the clock to fourteen seconds.

Doc (on the telephone): What's that? Pull everyone out of there? OK, OK…Timeout!

Paul: What is it? We had 'em!

Doc: I've been told to send it CTU.

Paul: CTU? What?

Doc: Yeah, Celtics Tankjob Unit. Scal, Bassy, Kandiman, Leon, Theo…get out there!

Gerald: Theo? I thought you died.

Theo: Nah, I just couldn't get out of my house because there was too much cash in the hallway.

Scene: Aingent Bauer's Office…

Aingent Bauer: Theo? What the…? I swear to god… *slams down whiskey bottle and runs out of the room*

Vin Baker: *Pops up from behind a filing cabinet in the corner of the room, looks both ways and then grabs whiskey bottle and runs out of the room laughing*

Scene: On court with Scal about to make an inbounds pass…

Scal: *passes the ball to Bassy* Let's go, we got 14 seconds.

Bassy: *Surveys scene, but can't actually see anything because he's so short, so instead tries to make eye contact with one of the Celtics dancers* - Hey, Shortie.

Dancer: Huh, like you can talk.

…12…11…

Bassy: *bounces ball off his foot* - Oops.

Theo: *falls asleep*

…9…8…

Leon: *runs after the loose ball* - I got it!

Kandiman: *runs after the loose ball* - I got it! *Kandiman bumps heads with Leon and both fall over*

…6…5…

(Suddenly, Aingent Bauer comes running onto the court, barges everyone out of the way, picks up the ball, charges towards the hoop, ducks his shoulder into Nocioni and knocks him flying and then lays the ball up just before the buzzer sounds).

Referee: NO BASKET!

Aingent Bauer: What? No basket? I swear to god…

Referee: I said no basket.

Aingent Bauer: Why? Because I didn't bounce the ball on the way to the hoop? Because I barged the defensive player out of the way?

Referee: Nah, you're allowed to do that these days - haven't you ever seen Lebron James play?

Aingeny Bauer: So, what then?

Referee: Well…failure to report to the scorers table, illegal substitution, use of an ineligible player, six men on court, unofficial uniform…there were a fair few transgressions.

Aingent Bauer: *grabs the referee and holds a screwdriver to his eye* - Allow the basket! I swear to god, I will kill you.

Referee: OK, OK. The basket counts!

Aingent Bauer: Yes!

Referee: Right, so that's Chicago 25 Boston 2. Now, let's get on with the rest of the first quarter, shall we?