Celtslemania!

In a year when nobody can agree on the best way forward (and a year in which I have watched far too much TV), there's only one way to settle the conflict! And it's the perfect time of year to do so…

Coming at you live from Detroit's Ford Field, it's Celtslemania, featuring some of the biggest superstars in the WGE (Wyc Grousbeck Empire). Only on Pay Per View!

The action kicks off with a big grudge match and your specially-flown-in ring announcer Andy Jick introduces the competitors to the ring…

(1) The Big Powe versus Flyin' Ryan Gomes
A battle of the underappreciated second rounders starts off slowly as neither guy is allowed into the ring in the early stages. Finally the action gets underway and Flyin' Ryan gets the advantage by going after the Big Powe's surgically-repaired knee. The match ends in a no-contest when the powers that be decide that they have both had enough time already.

After a disappointing start, the action promises to heat up…

(2) The Mature Boy Sebastian Ricflair versus Allan Ray Mysterio
This is a ladder match (it had to be because otherwise neither of these vertically-challenged athletes would be able to climb into the ring) to determine the holder of the vacant third-string-point-guard-championship-belt. Sebastian, a talented chain-wrestler, is still annoyed after having the championship gold literally stolen from him earlier in the year. Ray predictably struggles with being too small to be taken seriously in the early stages. Sebastian tries to finish him off with a thumb to the eye, but faints when Ray's eye pops out of his head, leading to an easy pin.

The crowd is hot for the action at this point and the atmosphere is building…

(3) Ravishing Rick Pitino versus Big Vin Vader
This is a Loser Leaves Town match. The two contestants are both deemed to be losers before the bell even rings and are made to leave town.

The crowd loves the finish and can't wait for the next matchup…

(4) The Al-timate Warrior versus Tone Cold Steve Allen versus The Little Redz Machine
This is a triple threat elimination match to determine who was the best draft pick in 2003. The Al-timate Warrior gets the early advantage with a big boot. It's the one he had to wear when his ankle was injured. He gets eliminated by an early three count, which he is used to, although it isn't foul trouble this time for a change. The Little Redz Machine used to wear a mask and, judging by his face, probably still should. Allen gets the win when he distracts the ref and gets his buddies to finish off his opponent (allegedly).

With action like this, the crowd is going crazy…

(5) Doc Lesnar versus Kurt Aingel
These two former superstars were friends for a long time until Aingel grew tired of having to step in and come to Doc's rescue. Now they are rivals in a bitter feud and return to action to face off in an "I quit" match to determine who keeps their job. An evenly matched war comes to an end when Aingel shockingly smashes Doc over the head with a chair to get the win. In an interesting subplot, Dan Dickau was actually in charge of guarding the chair, which Aingel was able to get to with no problem.

The crowd are a bit disappointed with the cheap finish, but the next bout has their mouths watering…

(6) Hardcore Wally versus The Ratliff R Superstar
This time it's a steel cage challenge. However, the two competitors are not fit for action, so instead of competing with each other, the bout simply consists of locking these two in a steel cage and leaving them there until their contracts expire.

Despite the lack of action, the crowd like the result, so they are into this…

(7) Macho Man Rondo Savage and The Kandi-Taker versus Mister Perkfect and The "Great" Scali
The action continues with a no holds barred tag-team contest. Mister Perkfect gets off to a hot start, but then tries to go for a slam and can't make it because his feet hurt too much. The Kandi-Taker regains the advantage. Meanwhile, the 420 pound giant Scali doesn't fight much, but does contribute with the intangibles like posing on the ring apron and clapping his hands to encourage his partner. Eventually, Rondo gets the hot tag and ironically wins by applying a sharpshooter.

With the crowd in a frenzy, it's time for our main event…

(8) The Game TruthPaul H versus Jonald Greena
Plenty of high-flying action on tap here, as these two superstars face off in a no-disqualification match for the key to the franchise. Greena is a bit of an enigma, as most of his biggest fans are young kids and technically, he's not actually that good yet. However, he does fire up the crowd, especially when he pumps up his shoes before he jumps off the top rope. TruthPaul H is an aging veteran, but still widely regarded as one of the best, earning the respect of all his peers. Greena dominates early, but misses an opportunity when he slams TruthPaul H over a table instead of through it. TruthPaul H regains the advantage and ultimately wins with his patented leaky elbow off the top rope. For Greena, maybe his day will come.