A Theory On Why The Globe Hates The Celtics

by Jeff Clark on Sep 1, 2007 9:06 AM EDT in Humor

Please join me in welcoming the newest author to CelticsBlog, Gant (formerly of Only 10 Things and RealGM fame)

It's common knowledge that the ownership and management of most New York newspapers are hideous brain-craving zombies. It's not spoken of very often, but pretty much everyone acknowledges that this is true.

Let me take you back several years ...

Long ago the best basketball newspaper anywhere was the Boston Globe. All the writers there loved the Celtics. This angered the zombie-overlords of the New York Times, who, so the story goes, consistently attempted to spread the false notion that Gotham was the basketball capitol of the world. Decent common people across the land would not hear any such thing. They knew perfectly well that Boston with its 16 titles and glowing intrinsic goodness was hoops central.

The enraged news-zombies of New York howled with frustration. What could they do? It was impractical to march stiff-leggedly through Connecticut all the away to Boston and eat the brains of the entire staff of the Globe. Instead they devised an ingenious alternate plan. The zombie moguls assembled their zombie accountants, zombie bankers and zombie lawyers, and while the world slept they silently exercised a corporate takeover of one of Boston's most cherished institutions.

Just like that the New York Times gobbled down the Boston Globe and turned it into a ghoulish subsidiary. Living Dead 1, Human Race 0.

On the following December 13th, the New York Times threw a Christmas party for their Globe underlings. It was supposed to be like any other newspaper Christmas party (drunken debauchery, pagan worship, ritualistic sacrifice, etc.) but this time there was an unexpected surprise waiting for our heroic Boston Globe basketball staff.

The intrepid Globe writers arrived at the soiree filled with hometown gusto, ready to sing the praises of Boston's basketball superiority, and regale the New Yorkers with tales of championship Celtic lore. What they got was something else entirely.

No one knows what exactly happened that evening, but it was something chilling, something terrible; yes, something EVIL. The basketball writers that emerged from that party seemed completely different from those that arrived. Oh sure outwardly they looked the same, but they had fundamentally changed. Their souls had been taken! Everyone who emerged from that cursed gala despised the Boston Celtics forevermore!

So the next time someone from the Globe makes you mad when they talk about the Celtics, please be understanding. They can't help but feel as they do. The writing undead of the Boston Globe are not in control of themselves. Be kind to them. Remember, those columnists used to be regular folk just like you and me. They didn't ask to be this way.

Perhaps the raising of championship banner #17 will lift their curse and return them to their former Celtic-loving, sunny selves.

...Either that or some deep-pocketed local ownership buying back the newspaper would do it too.

(That must have been a heckuva party though.)

Now all this is just a theory mind you. Some say none of it ever happened; that the ownership of the New York Times loves puppies, looking at shapes in clouds, and picking wildflowers. Then again, how else do you explain the change in the Globe from the 80s to now? Soul snatching by New York zombies seems the simplest, most logical explanation.

Tweet Comment 16 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

funny stuff Gant, looking forward to more of your stuff

for those unfamiliar with Gant’s writing, check out his old stuff at http://only10things.blogspot.com/

by Jeff Clark on Sep 1, 2007 9:07 AM EDT reply actions

great conspiracy theory, in a long tradition of conspiracy theories dating to a certain Bambino. There’s just one problem. How did the Globe ALLOW the Red Sox to finally win it all?

by johnnymost on Sep 1, 2007 9:15 AM EDT reply actions

Gant, you are a genius.

by alchemist on Sep 1, 2007 9:53 AM EDT reply actions

bring back shira

by bleedingreen on Sep 1, 2007 10:03 AM EDT reply actions

Welcome aboard.
I look forward to your future contributions here.
Thanks to Jeff, who obviously has an eye for talent. 8)

by JB_Celticsstuff on Sep 1, 2007 10:46 AM EDT reply actions

who needs the globe when you’ve got celticsblog? i rarely go to the papers anymore – i come HERE for my celtics news! ;)

by Andy Jick on Sep 1, 2007 11:31 AM EDT reply actions

Hahahahaha. Do some more Gant!

by Wilt on Sep 1, 2007 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

Welcome aboard, Gant. I’ve always enjoyed your stuff.

by Roy_Hobbs on Sep 1, 2007 1:29 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone.

johnnymost- you’re a mind reader. I actually toyed with putting in the roaming cadaver of Babe Ruth as the lead biter at the Christmas party, but it didn’t flow right, so I took him out.

by Gant on Sep 1, 2007 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

So no more Only 10 Things? Well thats actually a good thing if I can come here, lurk, and get 2 for the price of one! Good news Gant!

by PlayScalabrine on Sep 1, 2007 3:29 PM EDT reply actions

Zombies writing for the Globe… FINALLY an explanation that makes sense.

Well done and welcome Gant.

by The Duke33 on Sep 1, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions

There has not been much to love…

It seems typical of Boston media- not singling out the Cs. Would you prefer sycophants in the press? But the tenor seems more optimistic lately regarding the Celtics.

by cavman on Sep 1, 2007 8:06 PM EDT reply actions

One Globe to rule them all, One Globe to find them,
One Globe to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of New England where the Shadows lie…

by Casperian on Sep 1, 2007 8:29 PM EDT reply actions

Not zombies so much as longer-in-the-tooth columnists who, like many of us, remember the good old days (maybe more than we should) and one very under-equipped beat writer who should be out scouring for features. Oh, and Jackie MacMullan gets a free passs; she still rules, despite some disagreements with her points.
Cavman put it best: The team has sucked royally due to gross incompetence at the ownership/management level for years, and Rivers is a crappy coach. Need we say more?
Who are the zombies here? I say those who run this candy-a— operation, not those who cover it.
Funny piece, regardless.

by Big_Easy on Sep 1, 2007 11:44 PM EDT reply actions

stillaceltsfan,

They suck? Given that this team has so many new players going into a new season, wouldn’t it make more sense to let them play a few games before making that assessment?

Maybe if you said they HAVE sucked for the last decade … but to say they suck — present tense — is unfounded.

by Cousin It on Sep 2, 2007 12:10 AM EDT reply actions