1) In mid September a lot of people say there's not much to talk about. Not true! I have a huge Celtic-related issue to bring up; something that really makes me mad and has not been discussed one bit– It's the physical shape of planet Earth. I REALLY don't like it being spherical.
Here's why: The Boston Celtics open the exhibition season in Rome against Toronto. Everybody reading this is looking forward to that game to get an idea of what the team looks like, how they move together, to see Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in green. This will be as highly anticipated as any regular season contest in recent years. Don't you just want to watch as the starting five walks on the court for the first time? That will be thrilling.
2) Anyway before we get to the big issue, I have a few other items to go over: First, are they sending Mike and Tommy to Europe? Will they be ok? Will big enough air holes be cut in their crate? Will there be soft enough packing material to protect them? Is there a special customs form for shipping broadcasters? I worry about this stuff. Someone has to.
3) Does anyone know if this game will even be televised? I assume it will but does anyone know?
4) Another side note (nonItalians DO NOT READ): Italian Celtic fans, I'm glad for you. You get to host the first exhibition. Please don't take anything I say as a criticism of the wonderful city of Rome or of your beautiful country.
5) OK let's get down to it: The shape of the Earth has made me mad before, but now I'm furious. This whole spherical-planet-circling-the-sun idea seemed fine when they introduced it centuries ago, but I don't think they had much foresight— because now it's causing a grave problem for all of us, one that cannot be ignored.
6) I know no one else has brought the subject up, not the Boston Herald, not the Globe; not one local newspaper, radio reporter or television broadcaster. I think they've been scared off. Gagged. Muffled. Told in no uncertain terms what talking about this issue will cost them. Well let me say right here and now, I will speak! I will not be silenced!!
7) As everyone knows, a few thousand years ago the Earth was flat. It was perfect. Sun in the sky. Land below. Nobody falling off. Everybody happy. Then Artistotle and his gang of thugs got together and changed everything. When no one was looking, those slimy philosophers made the planet round. The cutthroats! This has created nothing but problems ever since, the greatest of which we face on October 6th 2007, the day of the first exhibition game of the rest of our lives.
8) I know what you're thinking: That's not true. Aristotle's a giant. He's one of our finest philosophers.
Is he? Is he really? When you finish the next few paragraphs I'm sure you'll agree with me that he's history's second greatest monster, right behind Kenny G.
9) Why couldn't they have left well enough alone? A flat world would have been ideal in this situation. Instead here's what we Celtic fans face: Due to the nefarious subterfuge of the diabolical Aristotle and his legion of doom, Earth is now a sphere. Because of this fiendish restructuring, there now exist time zones. Are you starting to understand where this is going? Is the hideous truth now dawning on you?
10) Because the Earth is round and the game is being played in Rome, there's a time zone difference. Rome is five hours away! This game -this most precious game- will be played at 2:30 in the afternoon our time! Even if the contest is broadcast, even if Mike Tommy survive their perilous trip in the broadcaster shipping crate, the game will either be done on tape delay or shown in the afternoon. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Aristotle, you demon-spawn, what have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???