Basketbawful presents: Happy (early) Birdmas!!

by zotsi on Dec 5, 2008 7:09 PM EST

On December 7, 1956, the Hoop Gods gave us their only son, Larry Joe Bird, the Basketball Jesus, to save the National Basketball Association from greed, selfishness and exceptionally low television ratings. And save the NBA he did, even though he had to sacrifice his heart, his back, and his ability to speak the English language to do it.

And so every year on December 7th, we at Basketbawful celebrate the greatest of all holidays: Birdmas (originally "Bird Mass"). But the celebration actually begins the night before, on Birdmas Eve, when Santa Larry travels across the world on a magic parquet floor pulled by 80's Celtic roleplayers -- On Carr and Robey and Henderson and Buckner! On Kite and Wedman and Sichting and Vincent! -- delivering jump shots and no-look passes to all the good little boys and girls who believe that he was the greatest player to ever rock short-shorts and a blond afro-mullet.

Just remember, dear readers, making everyone's basketball dreams come true in a single night is hard work, so leave a little something next to the fire place for Santa Larry and his reign dears. But not milk and cookies and carrots. Leave a plate of steak and potatoes for Larry...and don't worry about the reign dears. They're used to feeding off his table scraps.

It's also important to observe certain hallowed Birdmas traditions, such as wearing green and white, reading selected passages from The Holy Bird Bible, and watching Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend at least four or five times. You can also spend a little time in quiet contemplation of how much you hate the Lakers, even destroying something yellow. (This can be almost anything, from something as simple as a mustard-colored shirt or, for more hard core Birdmas celebrations, a live canary.)

In honor of this year's Birdmas, which falls on Sunday, we have prepared a very special video tribute to the season of basketball giving. Written and videographically presented by Evil Ted, and narrated by yours truly, this video is sure to bring a tear to the eye of even the most time-hardened cynic. So sit down, grab a wad of tissues, and prepare to be amazed by...The Night Before Birdmas!