10 Road Weary Things

Frustrating isn't it?  The Celtics are 0-5 away from Boston in the playoffs.  I have ten theories about why they cannot win a single game on the road. 

From least plausible to most plausible:

1) Malevolent Force

Since the 80's there is a great body of evidence supporting the malevolent force theory.  The Celtics have been derailed by incompetence, hideous luck, ping pong pox, and tragedy.  It's happened so frequently that one can only assume a huge unseen force really has it in for the team.

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2)  You Did It

You didn't sit in your lucky chair, or wear your sure-win hat, or cross your legs the right way, or your Celtics victory-dog was sleeping the wrong room.  You yelled too loud, or not loudly enough.  Your friend or co-worker or brother-in-law jinxed them. 

Whatever you did, stop doing it.  Whatever you didn't do, do it Wednesday night.

3) Karmic Retribution


I wrote a lot about Karma the last few years.  (Admittedly I was grasping at straws during some dreadful seasons.) 

Anyway the cumulative karma of Celtic-nation must have ebbed below minimally acceptable standards thereby by bringing on terrible vengeance from an unseen yet resplendent host...

4) Hoop Gods

...of hoop gods.  Everyone knows the basketball universe is ruled by many gods.  Ours is not a monotheistic cosmos.

The hoops gods are notoriously fickle.  They greatly appreciate such offerings as making one last lay-up before you leave the court, no-peek free throws, and lofting one through the rim from behind the back-board.  Yet even these regular rituals cannot always placate a warring host of hoop lords.

Sometimes they just like smiting things and right now they're smiting the Celtics.

5)  Overwhelmed By Dark Forces

Staying on the metaphysical path...  Everyone besides us hates the Celtics.  They hate us because of the 16 banners.  They hate us because of the 66 wins.  They hate us because we're so astonishingly dazzingly beautiful.  No one hates the Jazz or the Hornets.  I think maybe the cosmic ether has been poisoned by all this negative thought.

6)  Tony Allen Isn't Playing 

He plays hard- often out of control but always hard.  The Celtics have been too passive without him.

7) Eddie House Isn't Playing

Eddie has his weaknesses, but the second unit offense did flow a little better when he was in there.  Plus he spreads the floor.  That might allow a lane for Pierce to drive more.

8)  Brian Scalabrine Isn't Playing

If he was, the team would be buoyed by a rising sea of intangibles.

9)  The Playoffs Really Are Different

It is not good when all these veteran players are affected by hooting Georgians and Buckeyes.  I mean, they had the best road record in the league during the regular season.  Now- nothing.  Ugh.  This is a bad sign for future rounds (should they get past the Cavs).

10)  Tight Tight Tight

They're not playing their game.  The body language is bad.  Garnett isn't acting crazy enough; he's too subdued now.  They're all thinking too much as if  they're playing together for the first time.  No one has taken the climb-on-my-back Cedric Maxwell role.    Instead of pushing the ball for easy opportunities, they keep walking it up and letting the defense get set.  They keep settling for jumpers instead of slashing and burning inside.  Loosen up and play free guys.

In closing let me remind everyone that though the Celtics are 0-5 on the road during these playoffs, they are 6-0 at home.  They have homecourt advantage throughout.  No one's beaten them yet in Boston, and that's where game 5 will be played.

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