Paul Pierce: Notorious Faker

In his "Lakers fall for this one" column Bill Plaschke called it as he saw it and questioned the legitimacy of Paul Pierce's knee injury:

He lay in a heap on the parquet floor, visibly weeping into the silk-suited sleeve of his doctor. He was pushed in a wheelchair down a narrow back hallway, head down, season over. Paul Pierce, the Boston Celtics captain, was carried from the opening game of the NBA Finals in the third quarter Thursday with an apparent serious knee injury that momentarily deadened and distracted the Lakers. At which point, Pierce came running back to finish them off. To nearly 50 years of delicious Celtics-Lakers lore, add a new apparent bit of chicanery. Call it the Fake N'Shake. The Celtics won Game 1, 98-88, on the momentum of a recovery that smacked more of professional wrestling than professional basketball. When Pierce crumpled on the floor after being apparently faked out of his kneecap by Kobe Bryant with 6:52 left in the third quarter, the Lakers led by four points. When he returned after just 1:45 had ticked off the game clock, the Celtics led by one. The "Rocky" theme played. The crowd roared. Pierce hobbled out with drama dripping from every step. He was so hurt, he immediately began sprinting around the stunned Lakers defenders. He was in such pain, he hit consecutive three pointers late in the period that gave the Celtics the lead for good. At which point, a Lakers season filled with colorful adjectives had been reduced to one word. C'mon! - Bill Plaschke

Never mind the fact that Plaschke completely wrote off Pau Gasol two rounds ago because in this case Plascke is 100% right. I'll ignore Pierce's ludicrous broken jaw incident against the Indiana Pacers during the 2005 Eastern Conference First Round. Why? Because that pales in comparison to the time Pierce faked his own stabbing.

Consider the facts:

Pierce's Motives

1. Entering his third season in the Association Paul Pierce was battling Antoine Walker for alpha dog status on the Boston Celtics. Both had their own unique talents. However, Walker had never returned to play a full season shortly after a brutal stabbing.

2. Pierce grew up in Inglewood, played at Inglewood High School, went on to star at the University of Kansas, and then became a millionaire when he jumped to the pros. Worried about his street cred Pierce had to do something. Why not get stabbed?

3. Coming from California Pierce worried that New Englanders didn’t like him. No better way to change public opinion than a high profile relationship with Children’s Hospital Boston. All he needed was a logical, dramatic way to start that relationship.

Evidence That Pierce Orchestrated the Entire Stabbing Incident

1. He was stabbed at least 8 times. Other reports claim he suffered 11 stab wounds. That’s too much grey. Everyone knows a stabbing is not legit until it reaches double figures. Until we definitively know the number of wounds doubt will cloud this case.

2. The knife came incredibly close to several of his vital organs. If you expect us to believe it was a real attack then one of those vital organs should have been hit. Seriously, a punctured lung is just not going to do it.

3. No one was ever arrested. Sure some will argue that witnesses refused to cooperate with police and it must be jarring for Pierce to walk around every day knowing the people responsible for the attack are still out there. Or we can just accept that it was never solved because it was a complete farce.

4. Why was he wearing a huge leather jacket at a club that just so happened to be less than a minute away from a hospital? The gullible people will say he was wearing the heavy leather jacket because he was still not used to the cold New England weather. Meanwhile, they’ll argue that 22 year olds like to go to clubs. And the club’s proximity to a hospital was just a coincidence, and a lucky one at that. Of course in reality the leather jacket helped keep him safe, he had no reason to be at a club prior to training camp unless something was up, and the hospital was close to make sure Pierce easily got medical attention. Without the hospital visit there is no way the public would have been so easily duped.

The Smoking Gun

Pierce was back on a court in less than a month and put forth the following numbers per game: 25.3 points, 6.4 rebounds, 3.1 assists, 1.7 steals. I mean in the words of GOB from Arrested Development, “COME ON!”

In light of all the evidence it's obvious that Pierce faked his knee injury. Furthermore, it is not surprising that he did. I only hope that it is just as obvious that this post is intended to be sarcastic in an attempt to remind people how tough The Truth is.