Upcoming Injury Report

    The latest string of injuries to our beloved Celtics has taken a toll on all of us fans. I know I've lost sleep thinking about who's next and when will so and so come back? Well, I've gone ahead and got a sneak peak on the next injuries coming up and I thought I would share them with you so you can prepare now, and save you the headache from the weak long drinking bender you go on to mask the pain. I can't tell you when these will happen, but the Man in the Sky told me word for word they will happen.

Upcoming Injury Report:

JR GIDDENS, BILL WALKER

    While playing garbage mintutes in a blowout loss to Minnesota, Celtics forwards J.R. Giddens and Bill Walker
were involved in a never seen before injury. The two mercurial guards both jumped up for a rebound so ferociously, there bodies collided and somehow managed to become one person. Nobody knows if this freak act of nature can be undone, but for now, the Celtics are deciding whether to send them down to the D-League to develop some chemistry or keep them on the current roster to boost ticket sales. " I think right now they're a little shocked at what happened, but in my opinion, they could actually use their combined skills to become an NBA player down the line and contribute", said Celtics captain Paul Pierce.

RASHEED WALLACE

   Rasheed Wallace out 4-6 weeks after breast reduction surgery.

   After filling a formal complaint with the league demanding the refs look him in the eye and not stare at his large breasts while handing out his daily technicals, Celtics' center Rasheed Wallace decided to have breast reduction surgery yesterday morning. The final straw occured in Fridays game after Celtics' guard Rajon Rondo fired a laser chest pass to Wallace, only to have the ball get lodged in between his manboobs.  Wallace acknowledged his problem by stating "Ball don't lie". Michael Sweetney has been signed to take his roster spot.

DOC RIVERS, DANNY AINGE

   In a bizarre set of events, Celtics head coach Doc Rivers and GM Danny Ainge recreated their 1993 on court fight last night in front the a full house at the Garden. Both are out with concussions.

   In what seemed to be a desperate move by Ainge to show bench guys like Lester Hudson and Bill Walker some much needed inspiration, Ainge came out to the Celtics' bench at half-time in his Phoenix Suns uniform and demanded to get into Docs rotation. When Doc refused, Ainge got right into his face with some kind words of persuasion. Strangely, Rivers tore of his suit to reveal a Knicks uniform and returned the kind words with a shove. What ensued after that was a well choreographed and passionate  rendition of their 1993 altercation while playing with the New York and Phoenix. With the Boston Symphony Orchestra making a surprise addition to the performance, the crowd erupted with applause, with Ainge and Rivers bowing graciously, thanking the fans. The only blemish of the unsuspected performance was the concussions suffered when their running, leaping, freeze frame high five ended with the two knocking heads and hitting the floor hard. They should resume their duties in about 2-3 weeks.

So there it is folks.

Personally, I think these next injuries could help the team, so things aren't looking so bad!

Cheers!