A Bent Double Joint
Warning: This exclusive production may contain rebounding that some people might find offensive, as well as some defensive rebounding too. Just not quite as much as we'd like...
Scene: A lonely figure strolls across a deserted parquet floor and toward the camera...
Lonely Figure: Hello! My name is Ike S. Peel and here we are in the Boston Garden, home of the Boston Celtics. It was here, earlier today, where we shot my documentary "Baby Doin' Work" about "Big Baby" Glen Davis, as the Celtics hosted the Indiana Pacers. We followed Big Baby around all day and he stuck around afterwards to add his commentary to the footage. What you will see here is one of the most...Hey, excuse me buddy. Excuse me! We're kinda filming here!
Another lonely figure is strolling across the court with a camera crew.
Other Lonely Figure: Yeah? We're filming too. It's our ground breaking documentary "Obie Doin' Work". Check it out...
He shows Ike a monitor, on which Jim O'Brien is relaying instructions to Troy Murphy.
Jim O'Brien: No, no...wave your hands around aimlessly and then when he makes his move, turn your head away from the ball and lumber recklessly back to your position under the basket. Trust me, this never failed to work when we ran it in practice against Mike James.
Ike shakes his head and looks back into the camera.
Ike: This film is about one great player, one day, on the job. Baby Doin' Work will be presented without commercial interruption. So, sit back and enjoy...Baby Doin' Work.
Scene: Breakfast. A bleary-eyed Big Baby staggers into the kitchen wearing a dressing gown and some Tweety Pie slippers.
Baby: For me, this is the most important moment of the day. I have this saying...Eat like a king in the morning, eat like a worker for lunch and eat my opponent alive come game time. Oh yes.
He starts to devour the food on his plate methodically, but with ruthless efficiency.
Baby: (With his mouth full) I'm already looking ahead to a finals rematch in June. I got me some Kobe beef, some Fish, some Jerk Chicken - that's for Sasha...
Voiceover: I have goosebumps right now. This moment gives me goosebumps every time. I've been eating breakfast all my life and I still get goosebumps when I sit down to eat. It's such a great feeling. Man, this is getting me amped up and ready to eat again. I wanna go eat breakfast now. (Pause). Here we go...Size it up, size it up...
Baby Dangles a piece of chicken and then drops it into his mouth.
Baby: Gotcha! (They show this twelve times from different angles in black-and-white and behind stilted jazz piano.)
Voiceover: Man, that felt good.
Scene: Baby is standing in front of an assembled crowd of people.
Baby: Okay, I want you to call out a particular emotion you'd like to see.
The assembled crowd calls out things like "Fear," "Self-loathing," and "Contempt."
Baby: Alright, I think I heard "Surprised." Let's go with that.
Voiceover: Choosing what emotion to convey in my official ESPN.com photograph is a big decision for me. We've already had success with "Half Asleep" and "Sarcastically Cheesy", so I needed to come up something seminal this year.
Baby looks into the camera and feigns shock as the camera flash merges artistically into the next scene.
Scene: Doc Rivers is addressing the team in the locker room and going over the X's and O's.
Doc: Guys! Come on guys! Let's go! Just win the game! I want us to...
Baby turns to camera.
Baby: Doc's a great coach. I mean, he's been a terrific mentor to me since I came into the league...
Doc: Uh, Glen, I'm actually addressing the team here.
Baby: Sorry, Coach!
He gives a sheepish shrug to camera.
Voiceover: (Work laugh)
Scene: The game is underway. Baby sits on the bench, next to Scal.
Baby: Mi piacerebbe fare l'elettricista.
Baby: Felicitazioni! Buon compleanno!
Scal: Sure thing, Baby, whatever you say.
Voiceover: That's me and Scalabrine talking Italian right there.
Baby gets called into the game.
Voiceover: It's "go time."
Baby: Yabba Dabba Dooooo!
He charges towards the scorer's table, knocking a kid's hat off as he goes. He enters the game and the camera focuses on him as he alertly moves backwards and forwards between fronting the post and weakside help position with his eyes darting all over the place. The camera then pans back to reveal that the action hasn't restarted yet.
Voiceover: This is me, covering multiple responsibilities defensively. I'm kind of like the Lawrence Taylor of our defense.
Danny Granger drives to the basket and Baby tackles him to the ground and gets called for a flagrant foul.
Voiceover: Man, if there's one thing I hate, it's being called for a flagrant foul. I HATE being called for flagrant fouls.
With Granger at the free throw line, Baby sidles over to TJ Ford and whispers in his ear.
Baby: Listen, I don't like you and you don't like me, but I'm kind of in this film right now, so could you just laugh as if we're good friends?
TJ Ford: What are you talking about? I actually do like you.
Baby: Hahahahaha. (Gives Ford a playful shove.)
Voiceover: (Work laugh.) That's me and TJ right there. We've had some battles over the years. You can always have a bit of fun with him.
The ball goes down the other end and Paul Pierce gets to the line. The crowd chants "MVP! MVP!"
Voiceover: Man, it means so much for me to hear that. *Sigh* Our fans are so supportive of me.
Baby lines up next to Jeff Foster.
Baby: Man, you OLD, Jeff. How old you now?
Foster ignores him and gets the rebound.
Voiceover: (Work laugh.) He knows I'm just playing. We go back a long way.
Foster: (Turns to Troy Murphy as they run back down court.) Who was that guy?
Murphy: Beats me.
After a steal, Baby goes to the basket, but loses the ball out of bounds. He checks his face for blood running back down court. Doc signals for him to come back to the bench. He checks his face for blood again, then sits down next to Tony Allen.
Baby: Now, you see, Tony, when they double-team you, keep your head up and try to pass to the open man.
Tony: Dude, that's basic stuff. I do know how to play this game. I have been a professional basketball player for 5 or 6 years now.
Baby: You have?
He checks his face for blood again.
Scene: With just 20 seconds to go, the scores are tied. With all the other big men having fouled out, Baby gets back into the game, despite his disappointing display so far. As the clock ticks down, Rondo has the ball up top and yells over to Baby.
Baby: Alright, guys, that's a wrap. Phew! Good job everybody.
He goes to walk off the court.
Rondo: No, you idiot, CUT! Cut to the basket! Ah, never mind.
Rondo throws in a three at the buzzer and the Celtics win. Baby runs around the outside of the court, knocking everybody's hats off.
Scene: Ike the director and Baby are on the deserted parquet together.
Ike: So there you have it...Baby Doin' Work. Thanks for adding your commentary, dude. I've gotta say though, you don't seem to have been yourself all day.
Voice: Hey! What's going on? I got a call this morning to say the game had been moved to tonight.
The camera pans around to reveal...ANOTHER Big Baby?!?!
Ike: Hey, wait a minute!
He removes a latex mask from the original Big Baby, revealing a distorted version of the same face.
Ike: It's you...bigbabybball! The guy with the fake Big Baby twitter account.
Bigbabybball: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.
Ike: So, REAL Big Baby, do you mind if we follow you around instead?
Baby: You've got to be kidding. I'm a professional basketball player, why on earth would I want to do that?