Karen Stern: Good evening, from the Channel 5 newsroom, I'm Karen Stern. Breaking news out of the North Pole tonight, where Santa Claus has apparently locked himself, along with all of his elves, inside his workshop and is not letting them leave. We now go live to Edgar Fox, who's outside the workshop, as we speak. Good evening, Edgar. What's going on up there?
Edgar (with a British accent): Good evening, Karen. It truly is a chilling scene up here at the North Pole. Apparently, Santa Claus, the 'Giver of All Givers', has developed a severe case of both anxiety, borderline depression, and insecurity because reports have surfaced that 6'1 point guard Rajon Rondo of the Boston Celtics is 'giving more than he is these days.' As a result, he has put candy-cane padlocks on all of the doors and windows of his workshop and no one is allowed to leave. It's like a sort of inward siege, if you will. Sources who wish to remain anonymous have told me that he's been on edge since just after last Christmas, when Rondo amassed 30 points and 15 assists against the Golden State Warriors on December 28th. And things grew even worse at the end of last month when Rondo put together seven straight games in which he recorded at least 11 assists, which set a new Celtics single-season record. But the real tipping point came just last night, when Rondo dished out a career-high 18 assists against the Sacramento Kings, just two nights after he trounced the Denver Nuggets with 15 helpers.
Karen: Edgar, you say Santa's suffering from anxiety, depression, and insecurity. Can you elaborate on that? What's his behavior been like?
Edgar: Well Karen, unfortunately, that's where the real horror story begins.
Edgar: The real atrocity up here revolves around the disturbing amount of forced elf labor, as well as the continued deterioration of their once pristine working conditions. Historically, the elves break for five months after each Christmas, returning sometime around May to start working on the toys for that year's Christmas. However, this year, Santa hailed them back at the tail end of January, and put them to work immediately. Flabbergasted, the elves demanded a reason, but were met with nothing more than a harsh string of verbal obscenities from Santa, which further squashed their already fragile egos.
The elves have seen their work days double, as they typically stay in the shop for eight hours a day, yet that number just jumped to 16 hours recently, and change does not appear to be on the horizon. On top of that, Santa is apparently making every elf wear a Rajon Rondo jersey while at work, so that he can be constantly reminded of his new nemesis. Furthermore, the work shop is upping the amount of Cleveland Cavalier and Los Angeles Laker products, for apparently those two teams have the best shot at derailing the Celtics' chances for a championship this season. Also, many Oklahoma City Thunder items are being massed produced as well, probably due to the fact that Rondo sports his lowest assists-per-game mark against them this season (6.0). Santa's also been heard yelling things like, "When Rajon Rondo sleeps, I grow stronger!" and "You may have won the battle, Rondo, but you will not win the war! I have not yet begun to give!" There have also been some very angry "Ho-ho-ho's" of late. It's sad, Karen. Very sad.
Karen: It sounds brutal, Edgar. Hold on though, this just in...We've just received a copy of a statement from Mrs. Claus herself, discussing her husband's condition:
My husband, whom I love dearly, is going through a difficult time right now. I cannot speculate on what is going on inside the workshop, for I have been locked out as well. Not even my famous ginger snaps that he loves so much could gain me admittance. Instead, he built a sliding grate at the base of the door that I had to slide them through. I only ask that you try to respect our privacy at this difficult time. I still support my husband, although I do want to say that I harbor no ill-will against Rajon Rondo. On the contrary, I am a huge Boston Celtics fan and expect them to win the NBA Championship this season.
Karen: Well, Edgar, it sounds like you have better sources than even Mrs. Claus. Can you tell us anything else?
Edgar: Indeed I do, Karen. Indeed I do. And indeed I can. There are a few other interesting twists to this story. Apparently in light of Rondo setting a new Celtics single-season steals record just last night, which demonstrates his ability to steal the ball from his opponents and turn them into giving opportunities of his own, Santa has also gotten into the thievery act. Evidently, Karen, he's been swiping chocolate turtles and purple peeps from the Easter Bunny, as well as children's teeth from the Tooth Fairy. I can't speak for everyone, Karen, but personally, I cringe at the thought of the poor child who wakes up to find Johnny Smith's cavity-ridden lateral incisor inside his stocking.
Possibly even more captivating, Karen, is the fact that Santa is apparently insanely jealous over Rondo's ambidexterity. Rondo's ability to hit his teammates with pinpoint passes using his left hand, despite him being a natural righty, has left Santa feeling exploited, like a broken man. As a result, Santa's been seen in a room off to the side of the workshop, practicing his gift-wrapped-box hurling skills with his left hand. He's set up one of those makeshift nets with a square hole in the middle, similar to the ones NFL quarterbacks use to practice their accuracy. Whenever he misses his target, he apparently curses the name of one of his nine reindeer. Apparently he's terrible with his left hand, as "Rudolph!" has been screamed an awful lot in recent weeks.
Karen: My goodness, Edgar, it sounds truly awful. Do you know how---
Edgar: Wait, Karen! My camera man and I have found a weakly supported wall on the south side of the workshop! We just busted a hole in it and are now peering inside the workshop itself! My goodness, Karen, it's even worse than I thought. These poor creatures look miserable. Hold, on. Yes, there he is. I can see Santa! He's marching over to one of the work benches to confront an elf whose sitting on a stool that sports the word, "Smiley". Wait..wait...Oh my goodness. Karen, Santa just punched Smiley in the face! I repeat: He just punched Smiley in the face! This madness must end. I'm going to try and liberate these elves, Karen. Back to you in the studio.
Karen (shocked): Well...We will certainly keep you posted on this developing story. Things seem pretty bleak up at the North Pole right now. And if things are this terrible at the moment, who knows what horrors will ensue if Rajon Rondo breaks the Celtics' single-season assist record before the playoffs begin. He's currently just 19 assists behind legendary point guard Bob Cousy, and with 10 games still to play, it's looking more and more like that record will be his. For Channel 5 news, I'm Karen Stern.