What actually happened . . . .

Promoted FanPost

What follows is a transcript of a conversation from Celtics central. This was the first practice held after the All Star Break. After the practice Danny came up from his secret underground lair and a conversation took place. In order to acquire the following transcript I had to use every ninja trick I've ever been taught and invent three new ones. There were bribes involved and a civilized amount of blackmail. No killing this time, at least nothing permanent, so that was good. I'm not saying all this to brag, I just want you to understand how difficult it was.

To set the stage, the Celtics were wrapping up a practice. This was one of the special practices where the Celtics actually try and not like the regular practices that happen in the so called "Practice Facility." The regular practices are obviously more intense and usually have to conclude with KG receiving a tranquilizer so he doesn't accidentally kill someone again. And there's a lot of complex machinery involved in all the trap doors, shifting backboards and shrinking rims.

Danny walks in just as KG dodges capture from his team of three handlers. He waits and lets the scene unfold.

"Can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!" KG shouts proudly as he vaults over Dooling.

"Come on Kevin, it's for your own good man," Doc says, watching KG do a victory lap around the court.

Steamer, Johnson, Hollins, and Bass breath a sigh of relief as the handlers close in again. With any luck the medication would last longer than a half hour this time. Rondo is trading his normal sneakers for the fifty pound weighted ones the NBA makes him wear.

"Man this is <expletive> DRose gets to play in normal shoes why do I have to wear these man," Rondo complains.
"You wanna talk <expletive>?" says Ray as he slowly retapes his hands, "Kobe doesn't have to play with his fingers taped together."

Pierce just sighs from the chair next to him. Lined up next to him on a tray are the assorted devices he's required to wear for fairness. The contact lens that makes him blind in his right eye. The twelve pound wrist band. Shoes which randomly will increase weight on one side or the other. But he doesn't complain. It was the price, the price of his one ring. The league let them all know at the end of 2007, that competitive balance would have to be maintained. So to keep Boston from winning 8 straight titles changes had to be made. Pierce knew it, he accepted it, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

KG dodges another grab attempt and lays the needle man out with an elbow.
"<expletive>" the backup bigs all say in unison. "It's your turn if they can't sedate him," Bass reminds Steamer. "No no, it was my turn yesterday, Hollins is up," he said. Hollins immediately begins looking for something he can use to protect his face. Danny seizes the moment.

"All right everyone bring it in," Danny shouts, "got some news from the NBA."

"Are they upping KG's meds again?" Hollins asked hopefully.

"If they're upping the weight on my shoes again I want a trade," says Rondo.

"No, no, no bad news today guys," assures Danny.

"Does that mean you swung another trade with Orlando? That Earl Clark kid seems like he's not terrible," says Doc.

"I'm not allowed to call Orlando's GM again after the BBD thing and when they signed Wafer," Danny reminds him.

"What is it this time?" asked Pierce, hanging his head with the frustration. He understood the price, but with the gradual increases, the preferential officiating to others, he was beaten. Tired of being the caged tiger. He wanted to hunt. He wanted to kill. He began to understand why Perkins was driven to the point of wanting out. The league punishment of the Celtics to the benefit of the Lakers and Lebron James becoming too much to survive.

"I've got good news gentlemen," he said proudly.

KG continued to evade capture as he spoke.

"Rondo how would you feel about playing a few games in regular shoes? Ray, remember how much fun it was when you could shoot without your fingers taped together like mittens? Steamer, Hollins, you're the only 5s the league will let me have on the roster, but you're doing fine, we're proud of you. Pietrus, pretty soon you can stop pretending you're hurt and start playing again. Bradley, you remember how last week I told you that you'd have to be careful about drawing attention to yourself, about how I didn't want you wearing a weighted jersey for games, forget all that. Paul, I've got some good news . . . "

Everyones eyes were wide now, even KG and his handlers had stopped running.

Danny smiled at them all.

"We're back."

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