Welcome back to "Fly On the Wall", a series here at CelticsBlog where we infiltrate the Celtics locker room and find out the team's most intimate moments using the high-tech spy software provided to us by SB Nation. Thanks guys! In today's installment, we were able to record a conversation between Doc Rivers and the Celtics Big 4:
Sasha Pavlovic Rajon Rondo, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen. It was regarding the minutes they've played so far in the Eastern Conference Finals (75+ total minutes combined through 2 games, including Rondo playing literally every minute of Game 2), and what they should be expecting for the rest of the series. Will Rondo be running on fumes for the rest of the calendar year? Has Ray Allen secretly been playing with an invisible iron lung? Is this Doc Rivers' plan to drain the older 3/4 of the Big 4 of their remaining life fuel? Find out after the jump (click "continue reading this post" to activate jump mode)!
Doc Rivers (after letting Rondo, Pierce, Garnett, and Allen in, closing door to his office behind him): All right everyone, take a seat.
Rajon Rondo: Coach where did all your normal chairs go?
Rivers: Oh, I decided beanbag chairs were the way to go.
Kevin Garnett: NICE! (jumps on beanbag chair, pops beanbag chair. Frowns)
Rivers: All right, I'm sure you guys know why I called you all in here.
Ray Allen (suddenly shaken): I DIDN'T PUT A HIT OUT ON AVERY BRADLEY HONEST!
Rivers: What? No. You guys have been playing a lot lately, and I just wanted to commend you for your service. (The door knocks)
Greg Stiemsma: TELL PIETRUS TO GIVE ME MY SHOES BACK!!!
Paul Pierce (ignoring Stiemsma): Just doing what we gotta do to help the team coach.
Rivers: Right. Anyway, I might need you guys to play a little more. (Rondo immediately becomes glassy-eyed)
Rondo: Uh, what do you mean more?
Rivers: Well, more minutes. We need you guys!
Rondo: You know we have a bench with players who have fully-functioning limbs, right?
Garnett: Except for Pietrus.
Allen: HIGH FIVE! (They high five, Allen breaks his index finger)
Pierce: Coach, with all due respect, us four have been playing a lot lately. Don't you think it would be smart to give some other players a shot? You do know Marquis Daniels is still on the team, right?
Rivers: Come on, Paul. You know those guys will get eaten alive by LeBron and Dwayne and Battier. You are the only guys I can really count on.
Allen: But what happens when all this playing time and our eventual fatigue ends your trust in us?
Rivers: Don't you guys exercise?
Rondo: Let me put it this way. I went to the beach yesterday-
Rondo: And saw a seagull, the beach's proud birds of prey, with two broken legs be continuously be carried in and out by the current of the ocean. It was still alive, and it was eventually able to hobble away, but it was really sad to watch. That bird couldn't control its legs being broken, it was obviously done by outside forces. It's wings were too wet to fly, probably, and it couldn't use its legs. It was removed from its majestic life of stealing food and flying around. To see it endlessly brought in and out by the ocean was heartbreaking.
Rivers: So you're saying you guys are that bird?
Rondo: Huh? I dunno.
Allen: What I think Rajon's trying to say, is that we could have repercussions because of this.
Garnett: MY KNEES ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE
Pierce: We just wonder how our bodies are going to feel after these games.
Rivers: How about a compromise. Everyone gets something they want. You get a reward, I get your
souls playing time.
Allen: Whata got?
Rivers: Ray, I will finally have security ban your mother from attending home games. I can't promise away games, but surely this should suffice.
Allen (crying): Thank you.
Rivers: KG, I'll give you back your NERF gun on the condition you remove the thumb tacks from the NERF bullets.
Garnett: WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME
Rondo (whispers): We don't HAVE to tell him. (Garnett smiles)
Rivers: Paul, I'll spend a day at one of your health camps, or whatever. Just don't make me eat anything.
Pierce: I never do!
Rivers: And Rajon, you will get to spend 15 minutes alone with Danny Ainge, locked in KG's pain closet.
Rondo: FINALLY, a chance to talk like civilized humans.
Rivers: Now get outta here, and let's win Game 3 or die trying.
Pierce: What was that last part?
Rivers: Let's win Game 3.
Follow the author @brendohare