Warning: Do not confuse this post with actual reporting. It is meant to provide some humor in the wake of our devastating Celtics news.

RIVERS ANNOUNCES CELTICS “DON’T NEED A POINT GUARD,” DECLARES HIMSELF “UN-RETIRED”

In a surprise press conference today, Doc Rivers explained to the astonished assembled media:

“I’m tired of all this talk about how we need a point guard. Haven’t any of you taken a look at mycareer numbers? You don’t think I have anything left? You don’t think I’ve been waiting for this moment since we traded for Garnett?

Now, look, I know our team is old, and I know we’ll miss Rajon’s abilities with the ball, but SERIOUSLY! haven’t you seen any of our practices? I still have a little something left. Just don’t ask me to get out in transition. I still limp from that torn ACL I suffered back in…I forget when…give me a break….I’m 51. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, I can’t lead the break, but in the half-court…I know my way around. . I can play the pick-and-roll game. Don’t you remember me teaming up with Dominique? You forget about my season in New York with Ewing? I averaged almost 11 points, 6 assists and 2 steals in my fourteen year career! Doesn’t that count for anything?

You know what, you guys go on speculating about a Pierce trade, a KG trade, some other trade-machine mess! I know that I can run this team. We’re not going to go sign Delonte West when I can suit up and play for the minimum. I can keep us under the cap, keep our team together for the future, and maybe even win us a game or two all by myself before the playoffs come.”

Asked for a response, Paul Pierce looked at the floor and sighed. ”Listen

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