Friendly advice for the Brooklyn Nets

Debby Wong-USA TODAY Sports

Congrats on purchasing your luxury instant contender model. Here's some instructions on how to keep it in tip top shape.

Dear Mr. Prokhorov, Coach Kidd, and the rest of the Brooklyn Nets organization,

I wanted to extend my warmest congratulations to you for picking up 2 Hall of Famers to add to the rest of your high priced talent. By the way, sorry to hear about how last year ended. I'm sure losing to an undermanned, less talented Bulls team in the first round had nothing to do with your star players' lack of heart.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to make sure that you knew we are friends. After all, you have two of our beloved former stars on your team (and Jason Terry) and we want nothing but the best for you. I mean, sure, we've got a plethora of your future picks, and I guess in theory it would behoove us to see you do as poorly as possible, ... but hey, who pays attention to that sort of thing. Besides, those picks are way, way in to the future. The first one we get isn't for a whole year from now, and who plans that far in advance when you can just throw money at it later? It always worked out great for Isiah Thomas down in New York after all.

So I thought I'd go the extra mile in extending an olive branch to you kind folks in Brooklyn by giving you a few friendly tips on how to care for your new stars.

First of all, right from the get-go, make sure Kevin Garnett understands he is to be seen, not heard. He's a quiet sort of guy, and he works best when he's left alone and even ignored by everyone around him. He's been trying to clean up his potty mouth too, so make sure you install a strict swear jar rule. A few hundred thousand per F-bomb should suffice. It will be fun for everyone.

Also, make sure that Mason Plumlee disrespects him and turns a cold shoulder to him when Garnett is trying to teach him something. That's the only way to get his respect. Andre Blatche should feel welcome to explain to Garnett how wonderful he (Blatche) is and patiently explain to the "old man KG" what he can learn from the new generation of basketball players.

As for Paul Pierce, well, he's obviously taking this transition to New York completely in stride. So make sure you speak to him in New York slang as much as possible. Go ahead and trash talk Boston and all the people in that city that have played an integral part of his professional life, on and off the court. He'll dig it, trust me.

On the court you should probably just stick Pierce in the corner and forget about passing to him for long stretches at a time. He might lose his rhythm on occasion, but hey, at least he'll be fresh for the playoffs. Keep him off that elbow midrange jumper area at all costs. I mean, who wants him squaring up from there?

Feel free to force Garnett into the post as much as possible. He loves banging with the bigs. And make sure you run a high-octane, run and gun offense that completely neglects the defensive end of the court. You could call it the let-them-shoot-in-7-seconds-or-less defense.

Hey, while we're at it, Jason Terry should definitely be your backup point guard. In fact, he could even split time with Deron Williams, who I'm sure wouldn't mind giving up his time on the court to Terry. Have Jason focus on his playmaking because I'm sure his shooting will come back around in no time.

Well, that's all the advice I've got for you right now. If I think of anything else I'll be sure to pass it along. And hey, I'm sure everything is going to go smoothly and all. But just in case, if you ever thought maybe things weren't working out so well and you had a little buyer's remorse... well, I think we might be able to work something out with the Celtics. You guys could always get Gerald Wallace and Kris Humphries back in exchange for Pierce and Garnett. I don't think there's any room left on our roster for Terry but he's gonna be worth those silly draft picks all by himself, so we'll just hang onto those if you don't mind.

Like I said, I'm sure that everything will go just wonderfully next year, especially if you follow my helpful hints. Don't you worry about those future years and windows of opportunity. Planning for tomorrow is for poor folks and wannabes. Enjoy your season!

Sincerely,
Screwtape

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