Searching for an Answer

"I’ll take ‘Boston Celtics’ for the year 2000, Alex.”

“The answer: fans of this once proud, storied franchise would best characterize Danny Ainge’s tenure as general manger as this...”

“What is...more active than the Jackson family cosmetic surgeon...yet similarly incapable of producing tangible beautifying results?”

“That is correct. Depending on your perspective, we also would have accepted ‘slowly but steadily progressive’, ‘deceptive and falsely promised’ or ‘who the hell still cares about the Celtics...I wish those wicked retahded Bostonians would stop flooding Chris Sheridan’s inbox with questions about one of the worst teams in the league’.”

Sorry, Chris and annoyed others, you better get used to the chat-room questions and emails, because this latest, brash and compelling episode of Danny and the Celtics: The Melodrama Continues, is so ripe with conflict that it’s about to make The Young and the Restless seem like The Old and the Once Promiscuous, by comparison.

That’s right, sensationalist public, from the creative team that brought you such familiar classics as “Danny vs. Antoine: Friendship and Backstabbing, Death, Resurrection, and Re-affirmation,” and ”Pedophilia: The Benefits of Drafting Youth Over Experience,” comes perhaps Producer Ainge’s most controversial project to date, the true story of his own current predicament, entitled: “Searching for an Answer...But Sorry, I Still Don’t Have One.”

Given the episode’s title, internet rumors persist, that the storyline will, indeed, chronicle the famed Celtic GM’s attempts at trading for dwindling-box-office sensation A.I....ironically dubbed “The Answer” by confused, banner-deprived fans in Philly. While the show’s executive producers won’t confirm or deny the internet reports, what they will admit, is that trader Danny has, indeed, been making ongoing attempts to exchange half the cast of his reality show for another big-name star to complement currently overwhelmed centerpiece, Paul Pierce.

But isn’t half the team too large of a price to pay? An increasingly unruly Boston community wants to have its proverbial cake, and eat it too, continuing to assert that it want results now, without sacrificing its future. “I’m really excited about possibly getting A.I. from Philly” states an anonymous fan, “as long as we don’t give up Pierce, Jefferson, Green, Perkins, Gomes, West, Rondo, or a #1 pick to get him."

“Oh,” he continued, “and I’d prefer to keep Powe and Telfair, as well, if at all possible. But you’ve gotta make some sacrifices, you know?”

Other fans contend that there’s nothing wrong with the current Celtics’ cast, as is, aside from the fact that no-one has yet been able to produce a performance worthy of an Academy Award. For this, they blame the coach; Jefferson, Green, Perkins, and others are not bad actors; Celtics supporters insist, they simply haven’t been schooled by a director capable of figuring out how to incorporate the budding talents that producer Ainge has already brought onboard the project.

As representatives for the Celtics insist that the project continues to evolve, and further, that it promises to become a commercial and critical smash hit by the year 2020 at the latest, Celtics Nation understandably grows more impatient by the day. “Fifteen years? That’s like four decades away!” riles angry Bostonian “Marky” Mark Wahlberg.

Stay tuned for more information concerning the latest developments in the Danny and the Celtics series, and be sure to keep an eye out for future episodes, including the highly anticipated “While Canoeing with Danny in Harsh Waters, Doc is Rivered.”