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How to Welcome Kevin Garnett to Boston

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I remember a while back when Charlie Weis mania first took hold at Notre Dame and some Fighting Irish die hards were openly concerned about their coach's health. Some fans, most likely bloggers, made the case that it was their duty to talk Weis out of any bad eating decisions on campus. It was a good natured, sincere movement that appeared to have Weis's best interests in mind. I have no idea if anyone ever actually tried to persuade Weis to throw away a hamburger. And ultimately this is just a convoluted introduction to a top 10 list of how Boston fans should welcome Garnett to town:

  1. Buy as many #5 jerseys as possible. Obviously.
  2. Sell out the TD Banknorth Garden.
  3. Initiate a campaign that ensures Garnett becomes a Dunkin' Donuts spokesman. Granted he makes a ton of money already, but who's counting? And this could possibly lower Rachael Ray's television presence. That's a win-win right there.
  4. Make sure that Dan Shaughnessy is not allowed to write about Garnett. They should not speak either.
  5. Get Garnett's opinion of the Celtics dance team. If he is from the Ricky Davis school of thought, keep the squad active. If he is opposed to the dance team (fingers crossed) it has to go.
  6. Prevent Danny Ainge from bringing in UConn guys as he fills out the roster. This will ultimately make sure that Donny Marshall does not annoy Garnett with questions and stories about UConn guys.*
  7. Give Garnett space. There is a fine line between welcoming and annoying a person. For example no one should approach Garnett in a men's room under any circumstances. Remember less is more. And heckling is strictly forbidden.  
  8. When it comes time for Garnett to purchase a home the state of Massachusetts must employ an eminent domain style approach to make sure he gets what he wants.
  9. Take back the TD Banknorth Garden. Follow the Golden State Warriors home crowd's lead and refuse to be controlled by the music selection, applause-o-meter, Lucky, the dance team, the Jumbotron in general and every other annoying gimmick. Make basketball in Boston special.
  10. Do whatever it takes to overshadow racist idiots.
*Note to self - Ray Allen is one of the ultimate UConn guys. Hmmmm. As long as Khalid El-Amin and Jake Voskhul don't show up in the green and white everything will be okay.