clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Theory On Why The Globe Hates The Celtics

Please join me in welcoming the newest author to CelticsBlog, Gant (formerly of Only 10 Things and RealGM fame)

It's common knowledge that the ownership and management of most New York newspapers are hideous brain-craving zombies.  It's not spoken of very often, but pretty much everyone acknowledges that this is true. 

Let me take you back several years ...

Long ago the best basketball newspaper anywhere was the Boston Globe.  All the writers there loved the Celtics.  This angered the zombie-overlords of the New York Times, who, so the story goes, consistently attempted to spread the false notion that Gotham was the basketball capitol of the world.  Decent common people across the land would not hear any such thing.  They knew perfectly well that Boston with its 16 titles and glowing intrinsic goodness was hoops central.  

The enraged news-zombies of New York howled with frustration.  What could they do?  It was impractical to march stiff-leggedly through Connecticut all the away to Boston and eat the brains of the entire staff of the Globe.  Instead they devised an ingenious alternate plan.  The zombie moguls assembled their zombie accountants, zombie bankers and zombie lawyers, and while the world slept they silently exercised a corporate takeover of one of Boston's most cherished institutions.  

Just like that the New York Times gobbled down the Boston Globe and turned it into a ghoulish subsidiary. Living Dead 1, Human Race 0.

On the following December 13th, the New York Times threw a Christmas party for their Globe underlings.  It was supposed to be like any other newspaper Christmas party (drunken debauchery, pagan worship, ritualistic sacrifice, etc.) but this time there was an unexpected surprise waiting for our heroic Boston Globe basketball staff.

The intrepid Globe writers arrived at the soiree filled with hometown gusto, ready to sing the praises of Boston's basketball superiority, and regale the New Yorkers with tales of championship Celtic lore.  What they got was something else entirely.  

No one knows what exactly happened that evening, but it was something chilling, something terrible; yes, something EVIL.  The basketball writers that emerged from that party seemed completely different from those that arrived.  Oh sure outwardly they looked the same, but they had fundamentally changed. Their souls had been taken!  Everyone who emerged from that cursed gala despised the Boston Celtics forevermore!

So the next time someone from the Globe makes you mad when they talk about the Celtics, please be understanding.  They can't help but feel as they do.   The writing undead of the Boston Globe are not in control of themselves.   Be kind to them.  Remember, those columnists used to be regular folk just like you and me.  They didn't ask to be this way.

Perhaps the raising of championship banner #17 will lift their curse and return them to their former Celtic-loving, sunny selves.    
...Either that or some deep-pocketed local ownership buying back the newspaper would do it too.  

(That must have been a heckuva party though.)

Now all this is just a theory mind you.  Some say none of it ever happened; that the ownership of the New York Times loves puppies, looking at shapes in clouds, and picking wildflowers.   Then again, how else do you explain the change in the Globe from the 80s to now?   Soul snatching by New York zombies seems the simplest, most logical explanation.