clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Mock Celtics Draft

With the writers' strike over, I make my triumphant return to celticsblog.  Not that I am, by any measure, a writer, but it just seemed like a convenient excuse.  In reality, it's difficult to lighten the mood when the mood is already one of elation (and trepidation).

With the NBA season drawing to a close and the first seed wrapped up, many Celtics fans will have turned their attentions to the upcoming NFL draft, which is just over two weeks away.  With that in mind, I present the first ever NFL mock draft of Celtics players from the last twenty years.  Where do I get these ideas?

1) Miami – Grant Long, ILB

The prognosticators are correct as Long comes off the board with the first pick, as expected.  Somehow, he should feel at home in Miami. 
2) St. Louis – Sam Cassell, DE

The Saints defense would welcome someone who can come up with a big sack in crucial situations. 
3) Atlanta – Ricky Davis, DE

Atlanta needs somebody who can rush the passer and Davis is particularly adept at this, usually by waving his hands and yelling "quick…pass it to me!" 
4) Oakland – Greg Minor, RB

At the Combine and his Pro Day, Minor proved that he excels at the broad jump, but still has much to learn about protection. 
5) Kansas City – Robert Parish, C

The Chief  is picked up by the Chiefs.  They were expected to draft someone else, but it turned out to be a smokescreen 


6) NY Jets – Blue Edwards, G

An ingenious pick here, as the Jets top brass believes Edwards' confidence will be boosted by the fact that he will think Jets fans are chanting his name when they inevitably boo the pick. 
7) New England (via San Francisco) – Dominique Wilkins, TE

For some reason, Bill Belichick finds himself unable to resist taking "The Human Highlight Film".

8) Baltimore – Antoine Walker, K

Employee #8 becomes pick #8.  Rumor has it that the Ravens might switch to a "for three" system.

9) Cincinnati – Mark Blount, DT

The Bengals defensive line will benefit from adding someone who can be a disruptive force.  Blount's stock has fallen after scouts determined he was a bit stiff in the hips…and in the rest of him.

10) New Orleans – Al Jefferson, NT

The Saints look to draft BPA.  That's "Badly Prepared Ankles". 
11) Buffalo – Marty Conlon, OLB

The Bills look to add a Lawrence Taylor type to their linebacking corps.  Unfortunately, no such player is available so they instead opt for Conlon, who looks a bit like Elizabeth Taylor. 
12) Denver – Bruno Sundov, C

Divisional rivals Kansas City drafted DeMarcus "Tank" Tyler (benched more than anyone else at the Scouting Combine) in 2007, so the Broncos counter by drafting Bruno Sundov (benched more than anyone else during the 2002/2003 season) in 2008. 
13) Carolina – Acie Earl, C

The Panthers opt for Earl after being blown away by his staggering forty.  Nobody can believe he scored that many points in the 1996 Raptors v Celtics game.

14) Chicago – Vin Baker, TE

Baker would be a typically shrewd pick by the Bears.  He plays with a lot of spirit and always fights for the extra yard (of ale).  He also had a staggering performance at the Combine.

15) Detroit – Thomas Hamilton, WR

Detroit always drafts a wide receiver in the first round and they don't come any wider than Hamilton.  Predictably, Hamilton brings a lot of things to the table. 
16) Arizona - Glen "Big Baby" Davis, T

Davis goes higher than expected after recording a 4.5 at the Combine.  Contrary to reports, that wasn't his forty time, but what he registered on the Richter scale during his vertical leap. 
17) Minnesota – JR Bremer, RB

Bremer projects to be a good short yardage back, because every time you need one or two yards, he'll go for three.  He can also bounce it to the outside…and jack up an off-balance lefty jump shot from there. 
18) Houston – Sherman Douglas, DT

The Texans defensive line is solid, but needs somebody who is good at occupying blockers.  Douglas, with his lack of leaping ability and propensity to drive into traffic and put up soft floaters is always keeping shot blockers occupied. 
19) Philadelphia – Pervis Ellison, QB 
These days, Donovan McNabb seems to be constantly injured, so Ellison would make a perfect replacement.  Apparently, Ellison is fearless in the pocket.  
20) Tampa Bay – Gerald Green, OLB

Green might struggle to understand complex pro schemes, but if he ever scores a TD, it will be spectacular when he dunks the ball over the goalposts.  He is adept at stunts. 
21) Washington – Eric Williams, RB

The battle-tested Williams is a workhorse, that the Redskins could look to groom to be a future starter. 
22) Dallas (via Cleveland) – Dee Brown, QB

Dallas needs a backup for Tony Romo and Brown will be ideal because he can run a dink and dunk offense, although he has only half-mastered it for the time being. 
23) Pittsburgh – Walter McCarty, CB

Nowhere will McCarty's towel waving skills be appreciated more than in Pittsburgh.  He also has the ability to cover, as evidenced by his version of "All Night Long". 
24) Tennessee – Danny Ainge, RB

Erik Ainge already made a name for himself playing football for Tennessee, so the Titans reach for his uncle, who they believe will give a bit of bite to their running game and might lead the league in ypc (yells per call). 
25) Seattle – Stojko Vrankovic, DE

Vrankovic should bolster the Seahawks bench.  He is most comfortable in the end position, but also has the versatility to sit near the middle.  
26) Jacksonville – Orien Green, QB

Greene has proven he can put together a good drive (usually at 3am on the streets of Chicago).  He has a pretty good motor. 
27) San Diego – Tony Allen, LS 
San Diego decide against drafting for BPA and draft for ADD instead.  It's very early for a long snapper to be taken, but Allen brings his own brand of Salmon-and-Mashmouth Football and he snaps really well, usually at the knee. 
28) Dallas – Popeye Jones, WR

The Cowboys are worried because they have choked in the playoffs the last two years, so they allay those fears by picking up someone who never choked in the playoffs.  Not once. 
29) San Francisco (via Indianapolis) – Milt Palacio, QB

The Niners reach for Miracle Milt because he can throw up an awesome Hail Mary.  And because he is probably a better QB than Alex Smith. 
30) Green Bay – Sebastian Telfair, QB

The Packers need a gunslinger to replace retired legend Brett Favre, so they opt for Telfair who is famous for slinging guns into the back of his car and allegedly has good connections with his receivers (of certain goods). 
31) New England - Forfeited 
32) NY Giants – Eric Montross, WR

After this year's Superbowl, the Giants decide that the key to being a great team is having someone who can catch a football on their head.  Montross has the perfect hairstyle for this and also has deceptive speed.

Bent is co-founder of (serious) NFL draft website - where you can go to view scouting reports for over 1,000 players and participate by adding your own scouting information and opinions.

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Celtics Blog Daily Roundup newsletter!

A daily roundup of Boston Celtics news from Celtics Blog