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Fake Gilbert Arenas Post

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Over the last few seasons I've really enjoyed the Gilbert Arenas experience. There was even a point where my original blog, Celtics Bandwagon, was somewhat close to becoming a Gilbert Arenas appreciation blog. Hey we had some tough moments last season. Although, it was never that close. Regardless Arenas rocking a boxer's robe before dropping all sorts of points on Boston ended that. Still I even got a kick out of it when he called out the Celtics before opening night this season. So of course I enjoy his blog. And that means I like his stream of consciousness approach with all sorts of bizarre stories that come out of nowhere. Just scroll down to "What happened to My Kobe Haircut" here, as the good people at still don't think you want links to individual posts. [UPDATE - I was way off on this one. Let's just say the good people at run Gilbert's blog like any other blog. I stand corrected...] More importantly prior to the season opener against Washington I wrote my own Gilbert Arenas style post:

"So the other day I woke up at 2 A.M. I knew I was not getting back to sleep. That's just the way I am. So I drove down to the gym, let myself in and just started shooting. I made 237 of 400 shots. And I would have done better but I was craving Krispy Kreme. I couldn't get it off my mind. I finally gave up and headed to the nearest one but it was closed. I couldn't wait another minute, never mind an hour and a half before it opened. So I threw a rock through the drive through window, broke it and then climbed in. Then I realized that they make their donuts fresh and I would have to make them. Now DeShawn started out in Utah right out of high school. Talk about a guy who had NOTHING to do. So he worked at a Krispy Kreme for a while just to pass the time. I called him up and let his phone ring 45 times in a row. Finally he picked up. He had to come down because he owed me for the time we bet who could drink more Gatorade in 10 minutes. I won because I didn't drink anything for 2 days and was so thirsty I was on the brink of death. So DeShawn begrudgingly came down and we made some donuts. But right when I was biting into the first one the police showed up. They recognized me and I gave them a few freebies. But then I decided to have some fun. I said I had rushed into the Krispy Kreme to stop a robber (DeShawn) after I saw him break a window and climb in. DeShawn flipped out but they arrested him. It's his fault nobody knows who he is. I ate another donut and went home."

That was part of an ill-fated attempt to draw Arenas into a blogging war. Of course Arenas sat out the next two meetings and I didn't think it was right to post a similar story while he was injured. Man was I wrong. The Wizards won back-to-back games. Not cool. So I'm back at it. Just remember, THIS IS FAKE.  

By now everybody knows that I had surgery on my knee back in November and have been sidelined for most of the season. And I do mean everybody. I can't do anything or go anywhere without someone asking about the knee. They want to know how the rehab is going, if I miss playing and what is the hardest part about not playing. I always tell them rehab is fine and I don't miss playing...NOT! But people are always surprised by what the hardest part of being injured is. It's killing me that people are stealing my material. Like when DeShawn hit the game winner against New Orleans:

First of all "Dagger!" is my phrase. Back when I was 7 I went to school with a kid who had crutches from the day I met him. Why? I don't know. I just called him "crutches kid", everyone did. But he could shoot. At recess he would beat everyone at shooting games. He never played games or one-on-one because he had crutches. Now at that time I wasn't really playing basketball. I thought I had a future as a competitive jump roper and spent most of my time doing that...with the ladies. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore because crutches kid was killin' everyday and letting everyone know. So I put the jump rope down and challenged him. I figured he'd been intimidating people with mind games - he was a legendary trash talker. I had a secret weapon though. I borrowed an old school walk man and got a tape with Young M.C.'s Bust A Move on repeat. It was big in '89. I threw on some head phones and started shooting. Still it came down to my last shot. When I hit it I yelled, "Dagger!" That same day crutches kid stopped using his crutches because he didn't really need them. I kind of healed him. So I never jump roped again. Later that day the 6th graders made me play ball with them cause they heard me telling people I was tough. They tried to knock me down but I kept playing. At the end I hit the game winner and started poppin' my jersey. No one had ever seen that. Now DeShawn is doing it. Kobe, Pierce, KG and pretty much everyone wants to do it too. But I invented that. And DeShawn should know better because he's on my team. Like I told DeShawn the other day, anything he has ever done in his life, I did it first and better. Like his 80s party. My 6th birthday party was an 80s party. And it was in the 80s! Besides I was the best looking guy at DeShawn's birthday party. Although DeShawn will tell you that I can't grow a beard like his. But why would I have a beard contest with Drew Gooden? I'd be like Drew who? Like when Kobe said he didn't know Bell. Of course Kobe stole that from me. I said that about Tom Tolbert after people said I wouldn't be a better pro than him. Tom Tolbert! I know he was a Wildcat but back when Arizona was whack. And another thing. I don't care what Tim Thomas, John Cena, Tony Yayo, 50 Cent's kid or DeShawn say, I invented the "I can't feel my face" thing back in '94 when I dropped 67 points in a summer league game.

Green Bandwagon Note - I urge you to read Dan Steinberg's "I can't feel my face" post. I'm a huge fan of Steinberg's work. But he deserves to be called out for that 25-cent joke. He's better than that. And if you ever wanted to know what Tim Thomas did when Chicago sent him home, read this. I love the NBA.

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