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Bostradamus: Special Finals Edition

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For the past three years, when June has arrived, I have written an annual column for Celticsblog called "Bostradamus" where I channel my inner Carnac and attempt to predict the events of the next twelve months.  This year, however, something called "The NBA Finals" is preventing me from doing such a task.  Never before have I had to delay this column because the Celtics were still participating in the playoffs.

So, Bostradamus IV will have to wait.  For now, I present what I suppose you could call Bostradamus 3½, as I attempt to predict the events of the next few weeks instead.  Obviously, this over-writes my previous prediction of San Antonio meeting the Nets in the least watched finals ever.  Ahem.

Game 1: Looking to maximize their homecourt advantage, the Celtics not only turn off the air-conditioning, but also replace the Lakers' bench with heated seating borrowed from Lambeau Field.  The Packers are happy to help - after all, they aren't the Purple-and-Gold Bay Packers are they?  With all the starters suffering from heat exhaustion after less than five minutes, Phil Jackson turns to his bench, only to find the reserves even more tired.

Despite a valiant effort by Jordan Farmar to cool his teammates down by fanning them with his ears, the Celtics win in a blowout and the game immediately goes down in folklore as "The Ten Days After Memorial Day Massacre".

Boston wins!  They lead 1-0 in the series.

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Game 2: After an aggravated David Stern puts a kibosh on the Celtics' heated seating masterplan, Boston calls in the big guns.  Russell, Cousy, Cowens, etc are all given a huge ovation when announced to the crowd, but one familiar face is conspicuous by his absence.  However, with the Lakers leading in the third quarter, Marv Albert's voice is played over the speaker system and Larry Bird comes running out of the dressing room in his Celtics warm-up top (actually he has to borrow one of Big Baby's warm-ups) and goes and sits in his seat.  Suitably inspired, with the crowd going crazy, Boston takes control in the second half.

The Celtics hold on to win despite an embarrassing moment for Rajon Rondo, who accidentally put his headband on the right way up.

Boston wins!  They lead 2-0 in the series.

Game 3: Back in LA, Paul Pierce takes over in the second quarter, scoring 20 of his game high 38 points.  Kobe Bryant and Jack Nicholson get into a heated row on the court during a third quarter timeout, giving Nicholson the opportunity to reprise his famous "You can't handle the Truth!" speech from "A Few Good Men".  The resulting ovation from the crowd is the loudest seen in LA since Magic Johnson retired and Pierce's performance is later described as "as Good as it Gets".

The Celtics clinch the win on a last minute, rim-rattling dunk by Kendrick Perkins.  However, he ironically dunked the ball at the exact moment there was a light earthquake in Los Angeles, so it just looked like a normal dunk.

An aggrieved Kobe Bryant calls his teammates a bunch of sissies after the game, to which Hollywood actress Sissy Spacek, who happened to be in the front row, apparently said "Hey!"

Boston wins!  They lead 3-0 in the series.

Game 4: Spurred on by their leader Kobe's words, the Lakers come out with a higher level of intensity and physicality in game four.  Lamar Odom takes down Paul Pierce with a play almost exactly the same as Kevin McHale's famous clothesline of Kurt Rambis in 1984.  Bennett Salvatore calls Pierce for a charge on the play.

With the veterans on the team tiring, Doc Rivers turns to an unlikely hero off the Boston bench, as Brian Scalabrine comes in and pays homage to Greg Kite with an energetic performance.  He had even grown a Ned Flanders 'stache for the occasion.

The Lakers have a chance to tie in the closing seconds, but smothering defense by the Celtics means that the best scoring options are covered and Derek Fisher instead can only pass the ball to little-used guard Frank Selvy.  Unfortunately, Selvy is (a) in his seventies and (b) sitting in the crowd, so the resulting turnover enables Boston to seal the deal.

Boston wins!  They lead 4-0 in the series.

Game 5: The fifth game bizarrely takes on the precise characteristics of the classic video game "Lakers vs Celtics and the NBA playoffs".  Both teams attempt to dunk the ball on every possession and the outcome is only decided when one of the teams gets bored and decides to attempt a three.

The game also features several double-pump reverse dunks from players who rarely, if ever, dunk the ball and at one stage in the fourth quarter, Kobe repeatedly shoots the ball immediately as soon as he touches the ball, although rumors that the auto-fire button was stuck are dispelled by Lamar Odom, who admits Kobe always plays like that when the Lakers are trailing.  Kobe eventually fouls out when he is called for a charge trying to do an air reverse gorilla slam from the three point line.

Boston wins!  They lead 5-0 in the series.  Yeah, I know…so what?

Game 6: Returning home, Boston anger the Lakers by pre-arranging the post-game interviews and celebrations and by having 100 balloons in a net above the court, ready to be released if the Celtics win the game.  The Lakers are so fired up that they only lose by 20.  The release of the balloons is a bit of a let down though, because they used helium filled balloons.

LA fails to get the win despite the surprising performance of Chris Mihm, who has put up some Wilt Chamberlain-esque numbers over the past few weeks, grabbing 15 groupies.

Boston wins!  They lead 6-0 in the series.

Game 7: The truth finally comes out about Bill Simmons.  It turns out all of the "reverse jinx" talk was a smokescreen, for what really happened was that Simmons' attempts to handicap the Lakers chances by kidnapping Kobe had been thwarted when Kobe escaped and told Simmons he would report him to the police unless the Lakers won the series.  Therefore, Bill had been forced to root for LA, but by game seven he had realized that going to jail would be well worth it anyway and vociferously cheered the Celtics on to victory (for that is how the worst movie ever made should have ended). 

The facts had been revealed after suspicions were aroused by all of the fans in Bill's section reacting to every basket the Celtics scored by cheering momentarily and then sitting back down quietly, so you could hear the conversations between Simmons and his father.

In a complete shock, the Celtics are led in scoring by a surprisingly athletic white guy in a #51 jersey.

Midway through the first half, Cedric Maxwell instructs Sean Grande to climb on his back, as he decides to take over the play-by-play.  This proves to be too much for the Lakers to handle.  A quick thinking Phil Jackson is able to sneak up behind one of the "Ghosts of Celtics Past" in the crowd and cut a square out of the white sheet he is wearing, enabling them to wave the white flag.

Boston wins!  They win the series 7-0, brushing the Lakers aside with a clean sweep.

Here's hoping I'm at least 4 sevenths correct!  May the best team win (because that would mean that Boston wins).  Good luck, everyone.

Sorry to anyone who didn't like the article.  It's hard to type with goosebumps on your fingertips.  Beat LA!  Beat LA!