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Superlatives for This Season's Celtics

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In light of the Celtics' recent struggles, I figured we could all use a light-hearted post so we can have a few laughs.

Superlatives are always fun, whether you are a freshman in high school, a soon-to-be-college graduate or a professional basketball player. Gathering up in a large group and waiting for your unofficial award which sometimes says nothing about you as a person whatsoever is like waiting for those 'Secret Santa' gifts back in pre-school. You weren't exactly sure what you were gonna get get, but no matter what, you were gonna get something.

This current Celtics squad is loaded with personalities, but with only eight awards up for grabs, the competition was fierce. Players, coaches and major management personnel qualified for the awards. So, without further ado:

Best Reality TV Star: Glen Davis: He's a used-to-be overweight, recently engaged, professional basketball playing Muay Thai kickboxer who also wants to play in the NFL. I bet if you break up all of the previous attributes into individual categories, you can find at least two reality shows based on each. The fact that you have all of them rolled into one? You'd get the drama with the tears, the action with the fights and the comedy because he's Glen Davis. Isn't this a TV executive's dream? Or better yet, a struggling TV exec waiting for his or her next big break? It'd be like one of those outrageous movie spoofs where they try to encompass thirty different movies into a 90-minute film.

The good news for Glen? Nothing he could do could top Lamar-Khloe, who will eventually win the seemingly inevitable ESPY Award for "Best Pro Athlete Reality Show".

Best President: Doc Rivers: He's a player's coach, meaning he'd be a people's president. His outgoing personality would be key for foreign relations, especially with some of the countries who aren't including the United States on their Christmas lists. But the good thing about Doc is just because he's a good guy doesn't mean he's a pushover. He's tenacious when he needs to be and the United States would not be bullied under his watch.

The best part of all of this? The first ever All-NBA Cabinet of course. Vice President: Larry Brown. Secretary of Defense: Tom Thibodeau. Secretary of the Treasury: Wyc Grousbeck. Secretary of State: Danny Ainge.

My all-time favorite example of Doc being ruthless when it counts: Whenever an opposing player suffers some freak injury and collapses in the paint while the ball is still in play. No one's ever really sure what to do, but everyone's really worried. The refs never stop play and the players never want to touch the guy. Again, everyone's really worried. Except Doc. The crowd is silent, the announcers are silent and all you can hear in the background is Doc on the sideline screaming, "THREE SECONDS!"

Best Family Guy Guest Appearance: Kevin Garnett: I can just picture it now. Chris Griffin is talking to one of his friends at school and says, "Man, this is almost as bad as that time Kevin Garnett made me want to quit little league." Then, we flash back to a sunny spring day and Chris is up at bat and Garnett's son is the pitcher. Garnett is  the overly aggressive father/manager firing off an expletive-laced tirade at Chris: "Hey! Hey, tubby! Yeah, you tubby! You're a fat mother(expletive)! You can't hit (expletive)! Strike him out Tommy!"

(Here's the pitch)

"Oh yeah, strike three mother(expletive)! Get that weak (expletive) out of here! Yeah, Tommy! Anything is possiblllllllllllle!"

Seth MacFarlane, I await your call.

Best Late Night Talk Show Host Once His Career is Over: Brian Scalabrine: Come on, if a show actually came out called "Late Night with Brian Scalabrine", I'd watch it. Wouldn't you? Besides, it wouldn't receive the nod for "Worst idea for a late night television show" as long as Lopez Tonight was still on.

Most Likely to Have a Freak Athlete for a Kid: Shelden Williams. He and Candace Parker have to quietly be the most excited not-yet parents on this planet. If it's a girl, she'll be dunking by age ten, shatter Cheryl Miller's 105-point high school game as a seventh grader (they're definitely going to call her up), lead Pat Summit and the Tennessee Lady Vols to four-straight National Championships then skip the WNBA to become the first woman to be drafted by an NBA franchise. I'm thinking the Knicks will trade up to get her services that way they can call LeBron up and say, "Hey, we just drafted Cheryl Williams-Parker. Do you want in on this now?" Then, the messy divorce will take place once Cheryl eliminates LeBron from the dunk contest at All-Star weekend, which of course will be held...in Cleveland.

Most Likely to Win the World Series of Poker: Marquis Daniels. Is there any other player in the NBA who refuses to show emotion like Marquis? He always plays his hardest, but you'd never guess it because he honestly looks half asleep at all times. He wouldn't need the shades or the hat or the headphones. He's literally impossible to read, except for the fact that he always looks nonplussed, kind of like the little boy from "The Omen". He'd be tearing you down slowly, brick by brick and when you call him on a bluff he'd serve up a straight flush on you...

...And then continue to not smile even when the blocks of cash are pushed in front of him.

Most Likely to Go Out, Try to Find the Real Gino, and Bring Him Back to Boston: Rasheed Wallace. Rasheed apparently didn't understand the concept of Gino when he was first on display on the Garden jumbotron. I suppose we can't really blame him. How many teams are as infatuated with a former '70s dance idol like the Celtics are with the man with the mop of curly black hair? Kevin Garnett told Rasheed he'd understand Gino by the end of the year, but that just was not good enough for Rasheed. So, over the All-Star break, he will embark on an all-out manhunt to find the real Gino so he can bring him back to Boston in order to sing the national anthem.

Now, I don't want this to make Garnett jealous because Garnett's already been on a "Quest for G" once before, but we're pretty sure that one failed miserably. Heck, we're not even sure what Garnett and Derek Jeter were actually looking for. So, with all due respect to Garnett's campaign, I'm going to nullify it and call Rasheed's much more important venture, "The Real Quest for G"

Most Likely to Win Survivor: Rajon Rondo. He's just too competitive. He would do whatever it takes to win a game like that. Plus, he probably wouldn't have to eat a lot (this is where the big guys would suffer most), he's a physical freak so he'd have a leg up in all the challenges (which he would win and subsequently not go off the deep end like the rest of his teammates) and he probably wouldn't hesitate to stab anyone in the back, as long as he benefited from it.

He and tribe-mate Kendrick Perkins would form a nearly unstoppable alliance, only to see it broken apart by Rondo himself who votes Perk off in episode six. When it's revealed that Rondo voted for Perk, Perk busts out the "I didn't foul that guy!" face, followed by Jeff Probst asking, "Rondo, do you think your tribe likes living with you?"