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The Boston Celtics Christmas List

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Exploring Feelings
Exploring Feelings

I am not sure why the members of the Boston Celtics would make a Christmas list, as most probably have enough money to buy Ethiopia. I see Christmas lists as more than just a outline of what extravagant things someone wants. I see them as mirrors into a person's personality. The person who asks for world peace is either the salt of the earth or is just faking it. The person who asks for a million gifts is usually always a spoiled little twerp whose parents haven't yet mouthed "no" in his general direction. The gifts people want can tell you about a person too. They can tell you that person's values, or greed, or general disdain of the holiday season. I decided to make the Celtics their Christmas list, as I thought they would either be too busy or old to remember to do it themselves. Santa can't read minds, you guys.

Kevin Garnett: Exploring Feelings: Anger: Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to Manage Anger by Dr. Tony Attwood

I don't think KG is as mean as everyone makes him out to be, but I would like to see him maybe simmer down a little bit to take some of the unnecessary criticism off his back. God forbid we need another season where columnists clutch their rosaries and say Garnett hates cancer patients, and burns Livestrong bracelets in his spare time. KG is much smarter than to do that last part, as he definitely knows that burning plastic emits poisonous odors.

Rajon Rondo: FAVI White HD-100 Projection screen

Thanks to an incident that previously occurred, Rondo owes this to the Celtics. We'll just leave it at that, and hope his trade value doesn't go down even lower.

Ray Allen: Tempur-Pedic Mattress

Ray's incessant work ethic is famous, and I doubt he ever gets enough sleep. Hopefully with his new form-fitting mattress (a much creepier way of describing this product), he can get the rest he needs to become basketball's Julio Franco.

Paul Pierce: 5 LB Hershey's Chocolate Bar

Paul needs this, because right now, his diet resembles that of a yoga trainer who lives in the woods. He runs the Truth on Health organization, which is helping to lower the rate of childhood obesity and blah blah blah. You know who doesn't need that? Paul! It wouldn't hurt him to have a chocolate bar the size of a small dog, right? He needs a little joy in his life, a better dessert then, yuck, fresh fruit.

Jermaine needs this, because as a fully-grown adult, he still looks like a small child. We need a center who is going to scare opponents, and if his play can't cut the trick, we can fall back on formidable facial hair. It worked for Gandolf.

Bass is new to the Celtics, and I'm sure it is a difficult transition for him. This book will allow him to successfully assimilate into Boston society. I've never read this book, and only just found out Dale isn't related to Andrew, so I am disappointed I couldn't make any reference to the latter's attitudes on labor.

Keyon Dooling: Blank DVDs

Keyon fought Ray Allen a while back, when Keyon was on the Kings and Allen on the Sonics. Wouldn't it be a nice April Fools Joke to have Dooling pass out clips of the incident? I think so, and worse case scenario there's another fight.

Marquis Daniels: Laser Tattoo Removal Coupons

Daniels has a tattoo on his lower right arm of a man blowing his head off with a shotgun, and that needs to go. Children go to these games, Marquis, and already see enough horrible things in the parking lot before the game.

Everyone in Moore's family has a first name that begins with "E". If his parents ever have a baby again, I think they should know that they aren't only limited to naming their children with that letter. It makes them seem like Roger Clemens, obsessed with errors instead of strikeouts.

Sasha Pavlovic: $25 Amazon Gift Card

I have no idea what Sasha Pavlovic would want. I still confuse him with Sasha Vujacic.

Chris Wilcox: First-Aid Kit

In case you don't know, Wilcox is a "bruiser", and he will probably need to be attended to after doling out various punishment. It's a crappy gift, but it's a necessity.

At 6' 10", 220 pounds, Johnson is really really skinny. I'm not sure how you wrap a weight set without breaking the paper, but I'm sure we'll find a way.

Well that's it. What a nice list! I'm sure every Celtic will enjoy their gift, except for Johnson, who probably wanted something cool like an iPad.

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