Here Are Some Ways to Lighten Up the Celtics Season

The discerning theme of the Celtics fan base this year has been "gloom and doom", and this has largely been deserved by the team's play. It's tough watching a team that was always previously mentioned at the top of the Eastern Conference to succumb to ominous characteristics such as age and sloth. It reminds us of our perpetual crawl to the eventual end of our own time on Earth, something that we don't want to end. Who's happy! No one? Okay, I'll try and lighten the mood.

The Celtics need something to liven the dreary season up. It has been grating so far, and the mood I sense from most of the other Celtics fans (specifically the ones on this site), is that no one likes to be constantly reminded that the "end is near". So here are some ways the Celtics, and the organization, can rip the lid off of this depressing season.

• Put Brandon Bass at point guard, just to see what horrible, horrible things would happen.
• The Washington Wizards offer a Chick-Fil-A promotion after an opponent misses a second free throw, or something like that. What does Boston have to offer? That's right, Dunkin Donuts. Scalding coffee and stale donuts for everytime the Celtics reach 100 points!
• We can beat other teams that don't have dinosaurs for mascots or Andrey Blatche for captain. Andrey Blatche is as much of a captain as Crunch.
• How about some clubhouse chemistry? The 2004 Red Sox proved that practical jokes and Dominican midgets are a nice way to get this done, so the Celtics could learn from that. Whipped cream in dress shoes, you say? I like it! Just don't do ANYTHING to Kevin Garnett. He will break the prankster in half and drink their spinal fluid. Preferably, Sasha Pavlovic should be the one doing Garnett-related shenanigans.
• Shoot someone out of a cannon. Preferably, Sasha Pavlovic.
• Instead of being known for his insane physical regiment, Ray Allen could suddenly take on a second label as "Guy Who Refrains From Throwing Cross Court Passes That Causes the Author to Break Things".
• Have every player (except Rondo) take amphetamines before the game. Just to see what happens.
• Get monkey mascots. Not that fake disgrace Phoenix used to have, actual monkeys who have mastered trampoline artistry.
• Have Tommy Heinsohn take amphetamines before the game.
• Turn up the heat in the TD Bank Garden, so the ice underneath can melt causing all sort of hilarious flops and leg shattering fun.
• Have a video camera chronicle the relationship between Kevin Garnett and protege JaJuan Johnson. It could be called "Repressed Anger", and could show the first recorded attempted homicide.
• Slap a beard on Jermaine O'Neal just to see what it would look like if the hair portion of puberty had happened for him.
• Have Greg Stiemsma play all 48 minutes to see if the crowd noise will cause an earthquake.
• Throw Marquis Daniels on the DNP list, just so we could see what he looks like in a suit. It's about the little things, folks.