What Probably Happened Inside the Celtics' Locker Room Yesterday

Last night, the Boston Celtics had perhaps their biggest victory of the season. It was a 19-point dismantling of the Miami Heat, the team with the 3rd best record in the NBA and the team that is used to juxtapose the Celtics (one is fast and young, the other is the opposite). Everyone helped contribute in some facet, and ignited a string of "Are the Celtics a Contender?" themed articles this morning. The locker room had to have been filled with triumphant yelps and knowing smiles, so luckily we here at CelticsBlog were able to obtain a transcript of what went down after last night's victory. They spoke candidly about the present and the future, and about other things. Our fly on the wall captured this:

Kevin Garnett (enters): SKFJBSAJKBSDGBSDGKJ!!!!!!!! AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ray Allen (quietly): Should I get the horse tranquilizers?

Paul Pierce: Nah. Give him a second. He'll snap out of it.

Garnett (louder than before): WOOOAOAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!! WE WON!

JaJuan Johnson: Darn right!

Garnett: SHUT UP JAY! (punches Johnson. Johnson falls to ground, twitches for a moment, then stops. No one looks at Johnson/says a word).

Doc Rivers: (inaudible cliched speech about the merits of winning and never giving up and practice is on Monday)

Team: Awhhh

Doc: Team on three! 1,2,3

Team: Team! (Doc leaves)

Pierce: This is something else, huh?

Allen: I wonder if the press still thinks we're too old!

Everyone laughs

Avery Bradley: Good one Ray! (Goes for high five. Allen stares at Bradley for ten seconds without blinking).

Greg Stiemsma: Ayo, that was crazy awkward Avery.

Bradley (mutters): Shut up.

Rajon Rondo: You guys actually played on my level today! (Garnett's eye twitches. Rondo realizes this and his tone changes) We are looking pretty good for the playoffs if you ask me.

Marquis Daniels: When am I allowed to plaaaaaaaay?

Garnett (ignores Daniels and is suddenly self-aware): Anything is possible. As I've said from the beginning to anyone who would listen to me, the only thing stopping us from going deep in the playoffs is if I sabotage our season so we don't have to deal with Craig Sager. We're catching FIRE son (takes out matches from sock, lights three and chases Sasha Pavlovic with them)

Ryan Hollins: Why'd you guys even sign me?

Rondo (now talking to Allen and Pierce, suddenly interested): What are you guys gonna do after this season? Is it time to go up to the big farm upstate?

Pierce: Well, um, I'm coming back next season.

Rondo: Oh.

Allen: You know, I don't know. I'd like to come back to Boston, but I'll go wherever a team needs a shooter who can light it up if need be. There's a market for that, you know.

Rondo (bored): What about you KG?

Garnett (stops chasing Pavlovic): Boston. Definitely Boston. At least, that is where I would like to be. This summer I was thinking about becoming a bouncer or something at a club, just to feel a rush. I've seen Road House literally 155 times since December.

Rondo: Fantastic.

Ray Allen's Mom: Who wants brownies?!?!

Allen: NOT NOW MOM.

Stiemsma (to Bradley): Maybe your mom should do that.

Bradley: Shut up.

Keyon Dooling: Hey Bass, pass me one of those brownies!

Everyone laughs at the irony of the previous sentence.

Pierce: Let's just enjoy now. As I keep being told by the Internet, we can't keep this up forever. KG's knees will spontaneously combust, Ray's arms will fly off their hinges into the stands, and Rondo will eventually engage in some kind of mass homicide. Maybe we all come together next year, maybe not. I sure as hell know I would like to.

Allen: Here here.

Garnett: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS.

Rondo: That'd be...cool.

Team: Let's do it!

Mickael Pietrus:

Garnett: CALM DOWN MIKE! (shoots Pietrus in the neck with a pencil, using a weapon made out of two Gatorade bottles, tape and an elastic waistband)

Doc re-enters, sees Pietrus and Johnson on the ground, and leaves.

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