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A Celtics Offseason Survival Guide

Jared Sullinger needs a nickname, and "Sully" evokes memories of Mike Wazowski.
Jared Sullinger needs a nickname, and "Sully" evokes memories of Mike Wazowski.

The NBA season has been over for quite a while, the draft has come and gone and summer league has now concluded. Free agency is well underway, but now the only players remaining are the guys who might remain as free agents in NBA 2k13.

So what's there to do?

What does it take to survive the NBA offseason? Allow me to offer up a few options.

If you're anything like me, you've probably spent the last few weeks laying on the couch eating potato chips off your chest, wearing pajamas all day , drinking loads and loads of caffeine, watching TV, surfing the Internet, reading Twitter and wondering when Dwight Howard is going to be traded.

Actually, hopefully you're not like me. Partly because that's an embarrassing life to lead, and also because Dwight Howard hasn't been traded and becoming infatuated with his trade rumors is a deadly habit.

However, there are a few things that have managed to help me get through this offseason. Firstly, it has become a daily ritual to sit back, relax and ponder the fact that the Philadelphia 76ers will be starting Kwame Brown and Spencer Hawes in its frontcourt. If you haven't laughed in a while I would highly suggest doing this once a day. It's healthy, I promise.
Laughing at the Celtics' Atlantic Division foes is not the only pass time during the offseason, but it's a very easy one. I suggest spending two hours a day mulling over the Knicks' roster, imagining Carmelo Anthony being a screener on a pick and roll more than twice per game, trying to picture Mike Woodson without a phenomenal goatee and considering how fortunate the Knicks' locker room caterer must feel now that Raymond Felton is in New York again.

If that doesn't quench your basketball-desiring thirst, then I suggest watching YouTube highlights of Jared Sullinger. It's fun to pretend the basket is a massive medical red flag as he scores over, and over and over. If it's possible to open two tabs in your computer browser, I suggest watching his highlights on mute with Smokey Robinson playing in the background. When you're done, head on over to Twitter, and if you feel so inclined suggest a good nickname to Sullinger.

If you've done all three of these things it's probably time for lunch. Turn on a rerun of Iron Chef America and watch the episode where Glen Davis was a judge. You should probably spend the next 20 minutes picturing Glen Davis as a regular on Iron Chef America.

Now that lunch is over you can focus on more important things. The Summer Olympics began this past week, and that means there are plenty of sports on television to remind us why we only have to watch them every four years. If you're a big fan of college basketball, I highly suggest watching handball. There are a few supremely talented teams in the field and quite a few massively under-matched squads. Combine that with the loads and loads of passing around the perimeter and you get college basketball for the Olympics, except it's played with your hands and you throw the ball into the goal.

If you prefer your handball with water, then turn on some water polo. In water polo it's essentially a requirement to have a body that looks like Thor's, so if you're into feeling bad about how out of shape you are I highly suggest giving water polo a shot.

Also, since NBC is not broadcasting most of the Olympic events live on television, it would behoove you to login to Twitter, find out the day's results and then watch the NBC broadcast in primetime. It's a pretty fun time-warp sensation.

When that's all said and done it's probably getting pretty late. As the day begins to wind down, there are only a few more options. First, check Twitter, every newspaper in the Boston area, Celticsblog and all other media outlets and see if Jeff Green has signed yet. Then, think about the time when Shaq played for the Celtics. There's no functional purpose for that, it's just good to reminisce on funny things every now.

Next, take a gander at the Celtics 2012-2013 roster. Find the age of every single player, add each age together and divide that number by the number of players on the roster. The result will be the Celtics' average age. Do whatever you would like with that information.

Before you go to bed, pretend Kevin Garnett is reading you a bedtime story. Bleep out every other word. If that does not put you to sleep, count Paul Pierce elbow jumpers until you fall into a deep sleep.

You'll have sweet dreams of Dwight Howard playing in a jersey with logos from every single NBA team, and you'll wake up tomorrow rested, refreshed and ready to do it all over again until the NBA season starts.

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