Offseason SWAGs for the Boston Celtics

One amusing thing about being on twitter is getting the occasional tweet question along the lines of "are we trading for Cousins?" or "who are we getting as a free agent?"  To which my answer is always some variation of "if I knew I wouldn't tell you" or "if I knew, I'd be a lot richer."

Still, I can't help but give the whole prognostication thing a whirl once in a while. My only rule is that I can't take it too seriously, that way I don't feel so bad when I'm absolutely wrong with my predictions.

First up is NBA draft night.  This should be an eventful night since the Celtics enter the festivities with 4 draft picks and visions of fireworks.  There should be about 2 trade rumors per day leading up to the draft, so as my good friend Olaf would say... "Hold onto your butts!"

Obviously none of the rumors will come true.  Not because they were too far fetched, but rather because they weren't crazy enough.  First, Danny Ainge will do his best Belichick impersonation by trading backwards in the draft in order to gather more future picks.  He'll have half of the 2nd round locked up (plus a dozen more future first rounders) before Mike Zarren shakes some sense into him.  Then, once he's splashed some water on his face, he'll get Sam Hinkie on the phone and give him an offer he can't refuse.  All the 2nd rounders (plus Gerald Wallace and Kelly Olynyk) for Nerlens Noel.  Because if there's one guy that likes 2nd rounders more than Ainge, its Hinkie.  Besides, the Sixers will draft one of the stud centers and they can't keep them all.

Then it is on to free agency.  Danny Ainge will sign up for an experimental program that will produce 6 clones of himself.  That way he can be knocking on the door of each of the following free agents at the stroke of midnight on July 1st: Jimmy Butler, Kevin Love, Kawhi Leonard, DeAndre Jordan, LaMarcus Aldridge, Greg Monroe, and Draymond Green.  Of course none of them will ultimately sign with the Celtics.

He will, however, end up signing Monta Ellis and Khris Middleton. Monta just seems like a guy that Ainge would love and Middleton seems like a guy that Stevens would love.  So win-win.  Oh yeah, and Ainge will find a way to sign an undrafted free agent undersized power forward as well.  Because Danny's gotta be Danny.

In addition, Jae Crowder will be re-signed because I'm not sure if I can face a future reality without him right now.  Too emotionally invested to consider alternatives. Yep, that's where we're at right now.  We've come a long way from him being the "who's that?" guy in the Rajon Rondo trade.

The rest of the summer Ainge will call Vlade Divac non-stop with DeMarcus Cousins offers until Vlade sits in his car mumbling something about "he'll keep calling me, and calling me..."  Then of course the Kings will change GMs again, and Chris Webber will trade Cousins to the Pistons just to make him have to play for Stan Van Gundy.  ESPN will outbid TMZ to run footage of their training camp practices.

So the Celtics will enter the season with a lineup of Marcus Smart, Monta Ellis, Khris Middleton, Jared Sullinger, and Nerlens Noel with a solid bench of Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley, Jae Crowder, random power forward guy, and Tyler Zeller.

Also, Evan Turner will show up the first day of camp Ainge will slap his forehead and mumble "I knew I was forgetting something" and promptly send him to the Nuggets for a protected future first rounder that will eventually become 2 more 2nd rounders.

Having been waived by the Sixers, Gerald Wallace will show up on the first day of camp with a clipboard and start ordering young players around in drills.  The team won't have to pay him, he's already been paid enough, he'll just keep showing up out of habit.  Some of the players will be overheard asking "why is Bob Marley our assistant coach?"  They'll have to do extra laps for that, but Gerald will actually crack a smile because of it.

So there you have it. The full account of everything that is going to happen in this summer's offseason.  Don't even bother checking back for the next few months.  Take a vacation or 2.  Watch some baseball. Sail around the world. Invent a language and write a 12 book series about wizards and sword fighters.  Just whatever you do, don't check CelticsBlog daily to follow the offseason's latest news and rumors.  Nope. Don't do that at all.