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Translating Danny Ainge's GM speak

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What he says and what he means can be two different things.

David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

Danny Ainge is the master of using lots and lots of words without really saying much. So a writing gimmick I like to use is to translate his GM speak into words that fans can understand better.

Disclaimer: the block-quote words are actual quotes from him. My translations are (obviously) satire. Please don't sue me.

Expectations, urgency figure in Danny Ainge’s Celtics plans | Boston Herald

"My expectations are high this offseason, and yet I also know that it takes good fortune. We need the (draft lottery) ping-pong balls to bounce our way to give us the best opportunity, whether we use that pick or whether we trade that pick. And in free agency, we have opportunities, and that’s all we have. We have no guarantees of great things happening. We just have a lot of hope. And so we have a lot of work ahead of us, and we have to have plan A through Z. Usually it’s more A through G, but we have A through Z this year to have an opportunity to upgrade our team."

Translation: I have no idea what's going to happen. I do know that expectations are really high though. So if we succeed, I'm a genius. If we fail, I'm just going to have to say that things just didn't bounce our way, but we're going to be in great position to make a move next time ...and the next time, and the next...

Boston Celtics rumors 2016: Danny Ainge wants shot blocker, would be open to pleasing star target with other moves | masslive.com

"It was pretty incredible that we were the fourth-rated defense in the NBA without a shot blocker, really," Ainge said. "I mean, Amir (Johnson) does a pretty good job, but he's the only one that really provides length at the rim. And that's a real testament to our perimeter defenders. But that is one thing in the offseason that we will be looking for is somebody who can be more of a rim protector. At least a specialist."

Translation: It is pretty incredible that I've gone 3 years without landing a rim protector. I'm totally going to overspend for someone. Maybe even a knucklehead like Hassan Whiteside. Or maybe I'll roll the dice on Roy Hibbert on a reclamation project deal. That worked out with David Lee, right? Everything will be fine. Brad Stevens fixes everything. Except Boogie. Brad has threatened to quit and succeed Coach K at Duke if I trade for Boogie.

Celtics Head into Offseason with High Hopes | Boston Celtics

"Often when you're in the middle or the latter part of the first round, you don't get to evaluate fully the top players in the Draft," said Ainge. "But with eight picks in this year's draft, we have a full range of players that we have the opportunity to see. So our draft workouts will be much busier this year than ever before."

Translation: Hey GMs! Did you notice all the picks we have? Have I mentioned that I'm available by phone, text, email, DMs, Facebook Messenger, Snapchat, Google+, AOL IM, ICQ, and self-addressed, stamped envelopes? Let's chat!

Seriously, call me. I don't know what I'm going to do with all these picks. I was organizing my sock drawer (by day of the week) the other day and I found a couple second rounders in there. I tried to trade one to Hinkie the day after he quit, but Adam Silver wouldn't play along. Stern would have done it. Adam's no fun.

Green Street " Danny Ainge could be very busy this summer building: ‘We have a lot more things to trade, a lot more things to move’

"I’m not sure we have a Paul Pierce on our roster," Ainge said. "But I do think we have a lot more things to trade, a lot more things to move."

Translation: Call Paul Pierce. I miss having him on our roster. If he doesn't play a minute he'll still be a million times more valuable than James Young. Speaking of which, call the Sixers. We need need to move James Young.

Maybe we can put Young on Jared Sullinger's shoulders and put a really big overcoat on them like they do in cartoons. The Kings would totally trade for Jamed Sullyoung if I told them he was a unique international prospect.

Translation: I will overpay. You better gird your loins because I'm going to splash the pot with first rounders. I'm going to overpay till it hurts. But you know what? It doesn't matter because I won every deal for the last 3 years and I'm paying Isaiah Thomas just $6.8M next year, so we can afford to overpay.

What's that you say? Larry Bird fired Frank Vogel? Quick, get him on the phone. I just need to convince him that blowing up the team is his best option and our package of picks and players is totally worth giving up Paul George. Pull out my McHale file. I'll bet I can use a lot of the same notes from 2007. Just cross out Garnett and Jefferson and replace with George and Bradley. [rubs hands together furiously]

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