In case you missed the near-constant advertising blitz, the latest Star Wars Disney Fox Empire movie was released last night. I have not seen it yet, but I’ve found some scenes that were cut from the last couple of movies [spoiler alert: I made them all up]. So here’s your sneak peek.
[Scene: Vegas Summer League – Jayson Tatum is being led around by the PR folks to various media interviews and photo ops]
Jaylen Brown: I’m breaking you out of here, let’s go.
Jayson Tatum: Why? I’m having fun.
JB: This is for your own good, you’ll thank me later.
JT: You need a shooter, don’t you?
JB: I need a shooter.
[Tatum drains 4 straight 3 pointers which opens up the lane enough for Brown to drive into the paint and throw down tomahawk dunks on defenseless defenders.]
JB: Did we just become best friends?
[Scene: Mountaintop of a remote island covered in clovers. Paul Pierce turns around and sees Kyrie Irving holding out a basketball to him.]
Kyrie Irving: I feel very much woke. You might call it an awokening. I need someone to show me the ways of Celtic pride.
Paul Pierce: You are very clutch young one, but you played with LeBron, how can I trust you?
KI: I’m not here to talk about the past. I don’t put any weight into the narratives portrayed in the media. I’m here for the parables of the proletariat not the babble of the bourgeois. If you see me with your inner eye, you’ll perceive my aura and know my oneness with the Celitc pride.
PP: I have no idea what you just said, but I dig it. Ok, first lesson, take these two cell phones and hold them up together in front of you.
KI: Right, because technology is like a two faced beast that we need to keep at an arm’s length distance, right?
PP: No, I just don’t know how to snyc my contacts to my burner phone. Now help me like my SnapFace Grams.
KI: That’s not what…
PP: Don’t argue. There is no try.
Al Horford: Ok kid, you said you had a plan, let’s hear it.
Terry Rozier: We use Celtic pride!
AH: That’s not how it works!
Aron Baynes: Hrrrrrrrgggggggnnnnnhhhhh
Brad Stevens: I’ve been around a few years and I’ve seen many eyes come and go (Danny keeps trading everyone). In your eyes I see a fighter and a poet. You can’t win the game in one play, you have to take it one step at a time and capture each moment. Be the best version of you.
Marcus Smart: Beep-bo-boop-bleep-wheeeeeeeeeeee [rolls off in the direction of Star-killer Forum]
[crashing noises heard from inside the base]
[yelling heard from within]
[Smart comes rolling out as the entire Forum starts to explode]
AH: I like him.