FanPost

MANDATORY Coaching, Managing, Ownership, and Position Moves

Point Guard:

  • We need to get Sherman Douglas out of retirement. He can teach ALL of the team members the finger roll and we can circumvent the whole NBA's new "3PT shots are worth more than 2" garbage. There is NO AGE LIMIT and so he could walk right on the court and simply start working magic before OR after the draft. Think "Finger rolls from downtown". Best of both worlds.
  • Move Robert Williams III to point guard. He's nimble and it would be a sneaky, deceptive move to throw defenses off. They'd be nervous about getting blocked, but then BOOM a pass over the top down low to Sherman for the finger roll. Suck it.
Center:

  • Eliminate this position. Eliminate the need for "Big" players. This is fat shaming technically, and frankly no one who is 6'7 or under wants to feel that they are not "Big" enough to play what you all keep calling "Center" or "Bigs"
  • Bring back Jared Sullinger and have him draw up plays from over seas. It's time to shake things up. Even if he rides pine, he'd be invaluable. He could spy on the other team as well, by sitting behind the opposing bench, and feed signals.

Forward(s):

  • Trade Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum for veterans. I'm talking war veterans. REAL veterans. They will take the "Mid Level Exemption" because they are used to doing whatever it takes and providing value, for less.
  • Restructure Gordon Hayward's contract to include more money and bonuses. No man wants to play broke. Make him an assistant coach, as he already knows the system, as he knows the system and people like to play for guys who have attractive wives. That's winner talk.
General (Obvious) Coaching:

  • Run more trick plays with Yabusele. He's under utilized. You need to HIDE him in the offense, not just allow him to run around and play basketball. Make people wonder "Where is he"? Things like that. Then POW. Ninja G time - he shows up with a hook shot and embarrasses the other squad.
  • Bring in Meta World Peace for pick and pop strategies with Marcus Smart.
  • Implement fighting, like in hockey, by PROVING that it spikes ratings. BE the team that starts the movement. MAKE teams quiver in fear when they see green. Think "Showtime Lakers" except more of a "Boston Bruisers", you see? Have RJ Hunter spear head this. Rookie's have something to improve, and he looks like he has mafia ties, or at least eats a lot of pasta.
  • Stop having the water boy do nothing more than his minimum wage job. Have him or her use his bottles to spike other teams with 5 hour energy. They will get all jittery and dumb looking. This will make them feel weird, cocaine-like and too hyper. THEY WILL GET INTO FOUL TROUBLE AND GET T'd UP. Suckers.
  • Let Al Horford walk, and replace him with a dynamic scorer who can dunk regularly. Fans like that type of thing
Ownership:
  • Change Wyc's name to Wik, as Wyc is too confusing and clunky. Avoid the luxury tax by simply ignoring it.
  • Give Danny Ainge a bump in pay for every draft and stash player he can compile
  • Move the Boston Garden to Leominster, MA because you need to be more centrally located, and higher IQ's means higher revenue.
Management:

  • Bring Kyrie back on a 9-Year-MAX, and have him run the Celtics social media account. If the numbers are up, even in controversy, this means revenue. Revenue means more money for Gordon Hayward.
  • Accumulate more coaches. "Brad Stevens" is not enough. What FOOL said you only need one coach? Wake up, people.
  • Trade Danny Ainge, PJ Dozier, future assistant coach (TBD), and Abby Chin for JA Morant.
  • Trade our picks in 2019 for team options for purchase. Start actually BUYING competitors teams, and run them into the ground one by one. #ShaveTheCompetition #CrowdFunding #IndieGoGo #Kickstarter
I've been reading too many comments that FAIL to address these elephants in the room.

Hopeful and FOCUSED,

Justin Cross


FanPosts are fan-created content and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of CelticsBlog. Be respectful and keep it clean. Thanks.