Top 5 very serious critical important questions facing the Boston Celtics, seriously

The Boston Celtics are an NBA basketball team that plays basketball in the NBA. They are dealing with the challenges of playing in an era that has been plagued by COVID-19. There was a presidential inauguration recently. Google, Amazon, and Facebook are names of companies. Nobody is reading this first paragraph and I’m told that the more search engine friendly words you include in the first 250 characters the better. Not that we would do that here.

There are critical issues facing the Celtics and I have thought of all of them. They also happen to fit into 5 bite sized topics that I totally have thought all the way through before beginning writing them. Here they are.

1. What is Payton Pritchard’s nickname?

Clearly there can be only one nickname. All others must be shunned and shamed. But which should we choose? Should it be P-Rabbit or 8 Mile? Should it be FastPP? Or perhaps Dean Pritchard (for the Dead Poets fans out there)? The topic is tearing our nation apart and we need closure. We need unity. We need a poll to end all debates and make a definitive decision that will definitely not change in the next 15 minutes.

2. What exactly did they inject into Kemba’s knee and can it be bottled and sold to the masses?

It is amazing how quickly Kemba went from a home run free agent signing, to an injured and washed up player, and back to being amazing again. In semi-related news, I get all my player evaluation scouting reports from Twitter. It is an amazing ride that includes mood swings that would make the Real Housewives of (pick a city) envious.

Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

3. Did Danny Ainge totally blow it this year?

I mean, the Bucks got Jrue Holiday. Where was Danny? The Nets have three MVP’s now so they clearly won the KG-Pierce trade. Even the Wizards got an MVP point guard. We traded Gordon Hayward (who was universally loved here) and we got a big nothing in return! He could have had Myles Turner but couldn’t pull it off. Trader Danny clearly never makes trades. We should trade him.

4. Should the Celtics fire Brad Stevens now or wait till they lose in the Eastern Conference Finals again?

I mean, 3 years out of 4 in the ECF sounds great and all, but why can’t he win the big games? Sure, the first year was an overachieving team, the next was a team decimated by injuries and still took LeBron to seven games, and the 3rd was in the bubble with a team that once again overachieved. And yeah, it was 3 completely different teams that he was able to lead to the Final Four of the NBA. And sure, 25 other teams would trade 100 pick swaps to have a coach like Stevens.

But how many banners has he raised in all his time here? None! Someone must be blamed.

5. Why don’t the Celtics run every play through Tacko Fall?

I mean, he’s so tall! What is the other team going to do about it? Grow taller? Not likely.

In fact, why stop there? If the Warriors were able to change the dynamic of the game by going small, why can’t the Celtics do the same by going big? We’re talking Tacko, Robert Williams, Theis, Thompson, and Tatum (since he’s 6’10 now). Who needs spacing when you can just toss the ball around the court above everyone’s heads like a water polo game? Think about it!

Hope you enjoyed this listicle. I now return you to your regularly scheduled quality sports writing on the rest of the site.